Those 70ish Girls

COLONOSCOPY: FUN TIMES AHEAD IN THE HEAD

By Valerie Halla

When I was a teenager, we thought we were cool calling the restroom “the head”. My high school friends and I would meet up in the head at school. We would check our hair, our clothes, our makeup and spend lots of time there gossiping and joking around. It was fun. I don’t think we went in the stalls at all. Little did I know that sixty years later I would still be hanging out in the bathroom but it wasn’t fun, not even close to being fun.

I had the prep last week for the “sit on the toilet marathon”. So much fake fun. If you have never had a colonoscopy, get ready for two days of not eating, going nonstop, and prepping until you cannot believe how your body can poop anymore. This all takes two days. You can’t count it as sick leave, and not vacation time off. It’s the opposite.

Picture this if you haven’t experienced the fun of it all: imagine you drank a quart of prune juice, after which you ate half a watermelon, then drank a bottle of Milk of Magnesium, followed up with a bowl of sauerkraut and a gallon of apple juice. That comes close to describing what the outcome would be. It’s a moving experience.

You cannot eat anything the entire day before the colonoscopy procedure. You can have clear liquids and jello but only two flavors, lime or lemon. You can also drink clear store bought broth. For a treat I drank clear black tea and snuck into that a few granules of sugar, feeling like I was doing some major cheating and I was oh so bad. I gave a muffled chuckle just to make myself feel good like I was doing something against the rules. Who would know the difference? After you do that most of the day, you can drink a gallon of the prescribed prep in the afternoon drinking 8 ounces every 15 minutes, and you start drinking that after taking three Dulcolax. It’s Laxative Party time. This prep drink stuff tastes like filtered ocean water with fake lemon flavoring thrown in and an added touch of salty soy sauce and dirt to give it a punch, right in the gut. My stomach was gurgling and sloshing around almost immediately. It was so loud, I couldn’t hear myself think. It was like my brain surrendered to my intestines and stomach.

Then the real fun in the “head” starts. I won’t bore you with the ugly details but it can get messy. Often I didn’t make it to the throne. I decided after a lot of cleanup that I would just sit on the commode and drink my cocktails every 15 minutes from there. I should have installed a safety belt because a few times I almost keeled over. I thought of installing a wide screen TV in my bathroom but the room was too small.

To make this fascinating story any better or worse, just know that I didn’t drink the entire gallon prep but I got most of it down. After three baths I went to bed with two big towels spread out on the bed under me. I changed my pants, pajamas and anything I touched about five times. The washing machine was on overtime duty. I woke up at 3:00 am and visited my comfy bathroom again and put more T paper on the holder. The next day we drove to the endoscopy center for the prep, anesthesia and recovery. We were there about 3 hours. Soon after waking up from the anesthesia, I was glad to chat with the doctor and have her declare I was polyp free. I had a nice 45 minute sleep courtesy of the anesthesiologist and I was ready to go and not to any restroom any time soon.

Don’t ask me what that means medically speaking but it sounded like good news – polyp free. I was ready to just get in the car and head for home to eat. I did head to the head for a few more trips. If you’re still reading this, don’t be scared. This procedure saves lives allowing your doctor to find any intestinal problems before they get seriously bad. After all, giving two days out of your life not eating and sitting in your bathroom is well worth the comfort of knowing you are having the best possible test for your health and well being. Colonoscopies save lives.

Besides that, I have had a brilliant idea. I think I will totally remodel my bathroom now and paint it a chocolate brown shade. Do commodes come in brown? Hmm.