Those 70ish Girls

THE INSANITY OF FOOTBALL EXPLAINED BY LAV– REALLY?

Plays, tackles, drives, touchdowns, extra points, safeties, sideline?

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing but Lav jumps in with her own take on football…with little knowledge. Go Lav:

I am sure you understand much more than I do about American football and the NFL, which for me stands for “Not Football Literate.”

So I watch it on TV now and then, but I am not wholeheartedly involved. I see the huge buildup before the game starts. You see a bunch of old guys as TV football commentators who have laptops in front of them and wear suits and ties that probably cost more than my car. (The tie probably costs more actually.) They have probably played on teams like the Jackrabbits, the Seagulls, the Bluefooted Boobies or some other big teams. They talk about the specifics of the game like neuro surgeons discussing delicate brain surgery. And they get paid a lot, better than minimum wage. I bet they’ve never worked at Taco Bell or Burger King. Maybe not even at Macy’s . However, they have played football or coached or both. They know the game.

The game finally starts after they’ve endlessly discussed who they think will win and what they think will happen. (Then also we have seen about half a lifetime of commercials.) They have something called a “coin toss” which is where two players watch a referee or official throw up a coin. No he doesn’t vomit. He tosses this thing way up but does not catch it. He lets it fall onto the ground and the two players intently watch it. I guess one of them calls heads or tails. I never hear them nor see the coin. The coin must be a quarter because the next four quarters are important. One quarter is not enough. Plus, to make it more exciting, this player who gets most all the attention is called a QUARTERBACK. He’s furiously trying to get that darn quarter back. And both teams have a quarterback. Maybe he bet a dollar that his team would win. I assume he’s trying to get through this long long time period also which is easily longer than a quarter of an hour – officials also keep stopping the clock which just keeps prolonging the game- not to mention the multiple commercials, and he calls out numbers called plays and seems to be the boss guy. Oh, and he does not want to get “sacked,” meaning knocked down. This player avoids that like the flu. He wears a fancy wide flippy bracelet on his wrist which is maybe from Tiffany’s because it’s valuable to the players obviously. They look at it a lot.

This strange shaped ball is also super important. I’m sure it cost more than my last vacation. It gets thrown around and kicked and passed til it must be pretty battered. The ball might be from Tiffany’s also since it’s important as all get out. There are also posts at each end of the field which no one could climb onto. They’re just too high.

These huge players are dressed up in Bermuda shorts which are tight and jerseys which show big pads and protective gear underneath . The helmets are worn like giant plastic Easter eggs with bars over their mouths and builtin sunglasses. You cannot tell who the players are so they’re given them numbers which can be zero or double zero plus names are printed on back . To make matters more confusing, , these numbers are not consecutive. Then too, these uniforms which probably cost more than a year’s worth of groceries, are bright colors which match their teams colors. but their shoes do not match. Now if I were buying a uniform or a new outfit, I’d make sure my shoes matched something in my style choice.

During these plays down the field, another announcer reports periodically on injured players who have gotten hit, battered, pushed and thrown down (now I get why they wear pads and giant helmets). They have a personal nurse or doctor care for these players with owies! Their medical care and concern is something you or I will never get. This professional sports medicine attention for football players costs more than any copay or medical insurance I have, I’d bet.

Don’t get me started on the fans, some of whom dress up like animals or people from feudal times.

If I’ve helped you understand the game better, then I feel sorry for you.