Those 70ish Girls

I’m headed to Arizona tomorrow for the Jones County Reunion. I will be seeing a lot of Murdo people who have retired there, and some family members too. I’ll be writing about that for a few days, so I thought I would leave you with one more Pearl, Essie/Ellie. Grace, and Pearl the dog, story.

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Well, I’m headed over to Pearl’s house. She asked me to come over early this morning so we could have a meeting to clear the smoke. I hope she gives me time to take Pearl the dog for a little walk first so I don’t sit there and worry about her and get distracted from Pearl’s meeting. I guess I should tell you a little about what’s been going on.

Remember when I said that Grace and I had a plan to get Pearl down off her high horse? Well, it blew up in our faces. We didn’t think it through enough before we implanted it.

We identified the problem. We knew why Pearl was rising above everybody like a hot air balloon. She was getting rich off her Elixerfixer, and everyone in town thought she was the best thing since sliced bread. They didn’t have a clue they were spending their hard-earned money on flat 7up with a splash of apple cider vinegar, and a splash of apple cider. We even went all the way to Pierre to buy supplies so the Murdo people wouldn’t get wind of the ingredients. She could have bought everything right here in town. I can’t even count the times I’ve had to endure driving by that water tower sign of hers. It sure gets your attention.

 Here’s what happened.

I was responsible for getting Pearl ready for the next step. One day when Pearl the dog and I got to the Busy Nest, I started the ball rolling and just like that Merle Haggard’s song, it went rolling downhill like a snowball headed for the place that’s on fire.

“Hi Pearl, High Grace, We’re here…are you?”

“Yes of course I’m here,” I heard Pearl yell. “Give Pearl some food and water please, and then come over here. I need you to help me with something. I’m going to have to invest in another water cooler and we’re going to have to find some smaller blue bottles for the Elixerfixer.”

“Why, Pearl? That stuff is about as concentrated as you can get it. I think it’s starting to stink bad. Mrs. Nelson came in the other day to have her bottle filled for the third time and she smelled like vinegar was oozing out of her pores.”

“Nonsense, Essie. No one else has noticed any such thing. I’m an entrepreneur now and I must have good business sense and watch both sides of the ledger.”

“Okay,” I said. “If you say so. You’re the enter manure, not me… Pearl, can I ask you a question? Why don’t you pay any attention to the people you were helping with your light therapy? Alice Crumpet isn’t doing well. She went back to smoking cigars again. Did you know that? And those two church ladies who got removed from being church basement cooks because they sampled too much of the funeral fare? They’re trying to sell baked goods in front of Sanderson’s Store for some kind of fundraiser. They’re done selling all that stuff in an hour, if you know what I mean? I just thought I’d ask.”

Pearl didn’t have an answer ready for that one. She just glared at me for a minute and handed me a bunch of blue bottles to worsh. (That’s how we say wash in Murdo.) I think I kind of got under her skin a little. I was sure hoping Grace was doing her part.

“Where is Grace/” I asked.

“I sent her home to get the Sears Catalog so I could order those smaller blue bottles I was telling you about. She should have been back by now. We have a few minutes before we open the door and let the multitudes in. I’ll be in my office until then.”

“Helloow…Helloow.” Grace was there, and she had Alice Crumpet and the two former church basement cooks with her. “Please sit over here and be comfortable,” she told them. “I’ll get Pearl.”

Grace asked me where Pearl was and when I told her she was in her office she went over and knocked on the door. Part two of the plan was ready to be implanted.

Grace and Pearl stayed in Pearl’s office a little longer than I was comfortable with. When they came out, I knew in my heart, our plan was already doomed.

“Miss Crumpet…Church ladies,” she began. “I feel I have let you down. You were all doing so well as a result of my light therapy sessions. I have become an extremely successful business woman at your expense. Grace tells me your fall to the depths has been so rapid, even a strong dose of Elixerfixer didn’t fix you.”

All three ladies nodded their heads even though I’m sure they had no idea why they were even sitting there. Between you and me I don’t think they were the least bit miserable and unhappy like Pearl thought. Pearl went into her office for a minute and when she came out, she messed everything up.

“Ladies…I know how much you all need my help. I cannot live another minute ignoring my God-given talents. Is it true you all live alone?”

All three women nodded their heads, again. They looked like they were about to make a run for it.

“Well…then it’s settled,” Pearl exclaimed. “I’m going to start a home for wayward women. Grace take these ladies to the little shacks they live in and help them pack their things. They are moving to the rooms above Sanderson’s Store….Now, Essie. Please get these bottles filled, while I go out and calm the crowd. I have such a renewed sense of being that I’m sure will reflect on my countenance. All those whose lives I touch will be made better.

Grace looked at me and I knew what she was thinking, because I was thinking the same thing.

There’s nothing worse than an enter manure, except an enter manure with a home for wayward women.

I just know Pearl the dog isn’t going to like having those women around.