Uncalled for Comments Met with Apology, Respect and Rewards by Valerie Halla

I’m still a caregiver and I’m still learning about how to deal with giving up my time for the 24/7 job of helping another person through a cancer diagnosis and I’m learning every day that people can be angels- sweet angels on earth.

Another major lesson I am gradually getting pounded into my tired little brain is: take a break now and then. Now sooner than then, because I’m no spring chicken. I’m not even a summer nor fall chicken. Maybe more like a winter chicken in that time of year when the snow is piling up in drifts all around me. So it is necessary to hit the ground looking for people who can help me enjoy life and shovel off the snow drifts, to have a little down to earth, friend’s fun time.

A few months back I thought i needed to stay home and not go out because my caregiving responsibilities did not allow for time out. More recently I am definitely taking some breaks. Today I met an old friend, whom I’ve known since the 1960’s. We met up at our local coffee shop for just an hour which was packed with catching up and opening up. But before that, something sweet and refreshing happened. Something which showed me how wrong I can be.

I was waiting in line to order a hot drink, standing in front of a tall young man who had a serious expression and looked straight over my head, He was maybe 35 with a trim haircut and a young nondescript face. At my age everyone looks young. As I stood there in front of the stranger, waiting, my friend of 70ish years walked stiffly through the door and got behind this young man. She was obviously struggling with arthritis. I turned to hug her first asking this man if she could skip ahead in line to stand with me. We were already jabbering about seeing one another.

.He said, “As long as it’s quick.”

I said to him, “You know, just go ahead of me in line.” As he stepped hurriedly in front of me, I hugged my dear friend and said, in a disgusting voice “These younger generations!” I was being critical and was hopeful he hadn’t heard me. My friend and I started talking again and smiling since we hadn’t seen each other in over a year. I wanted to have a serious conversation also with her because she didn’t know my husband had melanoma brain cancer and I needed to let her know.

Just as we turned to place our order, the smug young man finished ordering, then he stopped, looking at us and said, “Hey, what would you ladies like?” holding up his credit card. “I was rude, so sorry and tell me what you want to order…a drink, any food? I’m buying.”

We were flabbergasted beyond flabber and gasted.

“Uhhh, what do you want, Madeline?” I stammered.

“That’s very nice of you! I’ll have a hot tea, a black hot tea”

Looking up at him I said, “I’ll take a tea also, the same.“

He then suggested,”Any food?”

We both said, “No thank you. This is very kind of you”

Madeline added, “This is a big deal for two old ladies!”

Feeling guilty I tried to make a joke. “Well, maybe if they had steak and lobster I’d take that, and you could pay for it, but I know they don’t serve it here so just tea is good!” The so called joke fell flatter than my joke telling skills and no one laughed. No one even smiled. I tried to grin but stopped.

He paid for our drinks. We sat down waiting for our order and after he got his order, he left.

We both looked at each other and were glad we had gotten free drinks. We got much more than free drinks. I said to my dear pal, “I guess he heard me say that derogatory remark about this younger generation or maybe he’s just a sweet guy. Either way, I feel badly that I didn’t see the good there and he restored my faith in youthful people. What a great gesture.”

We both agreed we had met someone special. There are good people around and we had been blessed meeting one; a young man who made our morning even better. I figured that this experience should make me a better person also. It might have rubbed off on me. I’m hoping it did. There is always room for improvement and life offers us lessons for us sometimes in the least expected places. Just because I am 70ish, doesn’t mean I can’t learn, and love others.

Flashback Photos by Valerie Halla

Our cousins keep in touch for which I am eternally grateful. One cousin sent a batch of old pictures her mother had put into an album. The pictures don’t have much info on the reverse side because some of them were glued into an album. These photos are worth more than anything to me and definitely worth more than a thousand words. Besides I’m not sure I could even type 1000 words today, My caregiving duties suck time like a robovac vacuuming up crumbs. I try to find time to write down memories which are fast fleeting the older I get.

Here goes with old pictures and old fading memories of days spent with more innocence and more fun than most things give us nowadays…

Great memories.

https://maryfrancismcninch.com/2021/03/26/murdo-girl-funny-feet/

Help Helps \ by Valerie Halla

As I continue my role as my husband’s caregiver, I see and learn and appreciate a lot that I was never expecting. First off, after 7 months of constant caregiving, I’m hopeful. All this after being ticked off at first that my freedom and life were gone. Why am I angry? Because I’m working 24/7! Why can’t I get in the car and just drive to the beach? Because I cannot leave my husband alone. Will I ever have fun anymore? I need some fun! I forget what it’s like. Can I get up four times a night to help my partner and lose sleep and survive? Barely. Something has to change.

I have learned how to lift properly using the Gait belt, I have gotten equipment to help ease the situation, dealt with the many medications and organized them,given my mate baths with a handheld shower, gotten strong support with a health care company and approached the situation less strictly, because after awhile you just get through the day the best you can. You have stains on your sweatpants? Nobody will notice. We will wash them next week. Your nails need to be clipped? Let’s do that tomorrow. You throw caution to the wind and turn inward. You realize – I’m alone in this and I’m sorta functioning, but a little voice bounces back: I need help. How do I ask for help? Why can’t I do this? I need to try. Asking can’t hurt.

The brightest lightest crack of hope came when I went to lunch with two friends about one month ago and spilled my guts about how I felt guilty yet angry for having to care for my husband 24/7 which felt like forever/7! They were both telling me, urging me, pleading with me to get help. I shouldn’t feel guilty they told me. They even googled places to contact. They added up out of pocket costs and who to ask. They made it clear that I could get support.

Now I have been doing research myself and reaching out to agencies for caregiver assistance. I’m self educating myself about laws and regulations for help. I’m starting to feel some relief. I’m starting to research where to go and how to ask for support. A caregiver is coming next week to help four days a week. Hallelujah.

Some of my neighbors also have been asking how they can help and I used to just say, “I am fine,” but now I give them a date and time to specifically ask if they could come sit with husband while I go do errands or go with friends for coffee or lunch, People want to know how they can help. It helps to give them a chance to help. They actually want to help in a small way or even a large way. They’re all offering different kinds of help. I’m not shy nor stubborn about getting help any more. It’s pure sunshine coming into my previously dark life. Even our family has stepped up. I’m so glad people are so supportive, patient and kind. It makes me feel that I am not alone. Help is appreciated and needed. Just try it – go ahead.