Those 70ish Girls

Lav has written a (tongue in cheek) accounting of the tour group’s final days in Murdo, SD. They were there to attend the all school reunion…Hey, Wait! They were only there for 48 hours. Oh well, to those who hung around with us, I mean them, I’m sure it seemed like much longer.

MHS/JCHS Reunion stuff they didn’t teach you in school

After a stunner of a day with Dianna and Sherri with burgers, rhubarb, chocoholic, butterscotch, you name it shakes, showered with gifts, crowns, and attention, MG was flying high. Then after the check-in at the Range Country, where the group was enlightened by an orientation given by the motel hostess, Get moving! Aye, aye, the group went to their rooms for naps.

After napping there was hair, makeup and dressing up for MG and Lav. They were off to the 1962 class dinner at the gun club, where they were guests of Billy. Lotsa food and small talk. Oh what a day, what a night!

Later that same night…or as some might call it…Part 2

Back room not Restroom (That’s what Lav calls it.)

It was past midnight at the Buffalo. We saw two guys at the end of the room who were just holding their beers-barely. They were looking us up and down. MG turned to the left in front of them at the restrooms.  She couldn’t figure out what the restroom signs meant :  Jackasses on one door, Jenny’s on the other. Which was the girls’ side? I couldn’t help her. I got distracted.
She yelled over to me, “I started to go in the Jackass room because a jackass told me that was where the back room was.” Those darn jackasses. Why don’t they stay on the farm?
Desperately I turned to the beer holders and said, “Where’s the back room?”
“Huh, the restroom?”
“No, the back room!”
“Oh, through there,” beer guy pointed to the right.
“Come on, MG. We gotta find Bill and Gus. It’s way past their bedtime.”

We kept walking way in back, past the bar, past the pool table and past the younger crowd.

There they were. Bill and Gus were having a high old time at the last table.
There should’ve been a sign that read, “70 ish and oldsters only”.
The young-looking-old-guy Ralph was there and a few senior alumni and I don’t mean senior class. Eddie, who is always in Senior Athletic Coyote Mode was talking to Bill.

We got over to their table. The guys looked two sheets to the wind, a strong tumbleweed prairie wind, dry, hot and unforgiving. They had been hit hard by that wind. They were zonked, in a galaxy far, far…you get it. We had to get them back to the motel. There were lots of doings the next day and we needed sleep.

The School Reunion celebrations had taken a lot out of us, not to mention sapped our energy. MG was fading fast. I looked like I had been pushed through a knothole. But Bill kept telling stories like a dog owner dishing out kibble and Eddie ate it up. What happened next was a miracle. Gus got up and walked away. Bill topped off his drink then topped off his story.  MG said, “It’s time to go. We need to be in our place at the parade lineup tomorrow  by 9:30 am. Bill and Gus are you leaving with us?”
“Sure.  I can drive us back,” Bill said.
“And I have a brand new California drivers license hot off the press,” Gus blurted out.
“ I can drive on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays before 8:00 pm in months ending with Y! Just tell me when to turn.” (Okay, this is MG putting pictures to Lav’s hilarious story. I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying.)
Ralph piped up, “And I can take you kids back to the motel in my Mercedes VW but you’ll have to answer a short quiz.”

(Who is Ralph?)

Sheesh. At least we avoided a showdown. It was more like a slowdown.  I would tell you about the quiz and the drive back to the motel, but that’s another story.

I have been the victim of COVID. I got it from my husband, Kip who hasn’t been anywhere except Lowe’s in months. He did go to church several times but everyone knows church is not the hotbed of germs like Lowe’s is. Only tough guys and girls go to Lowe’s. People used to meet in the plumbing area on Sundays when we couldn’t go to church…and only wimps wore masks. My how things have changed.

I just heard on television that the CDC doesn’t care if you don’t quarantine even if a covid infected husband I mean person coughs right in your face.

I kind of miss the masks. My chin fell a foot when I took mine off. I wore it for two years then I came to find out it wasn’t any good because it wasn’t a K95. I thought those were for my dogs…could be why they remain covid free to this day.

I really sympathize with Doctor Fauci. I see he recently tried to switch from wearing a mask to pitching to one. Like the guy in the cartoon, it didn’t end well.

I’m feeling better. The dogs and I went to Tyler with Kip, today. He had a dermatologist appointment. The dogs and I were really happy to get out of the house. We begged (me more than the dogs) to go to Sonic for bacon, egg, and cheese toasters. Our nice master even took us for a walk. We got to go around the building twice after which we got our choice of a full bowl or half a bottle of water.

Where was I going when I started this? Who knows and who cares. I’m 70ish.

PS. I’m having all kinds of fun doing this 70ish thing with my Cuskin, Lav… we’ve got some fun stuff up our sleeves along with the Kleenex we stuff up there like Grandma used to…

Keep your ear to the ground but only if there is someone there to help you up. If you can’t hear anyway, then stand tall and talk loudly.

Age is a state of mind...by Lav.

WORDS:  Grandpa SANDERSON would use the word “deal” like when he couldn’t stop to think of the right word he’d say, “You just turn that deal to the right,” or “…it’s the deal you use to make the window open”. 
You can just say “thingy “ or “stuff” if you can’t remember a certain term.

DOCTORS:  At this age you’re probably visiting doctors and dentists a lot. Your calendar is filled with dates and the time of your appointments. My parents used to do a dry run to find the new doctor’s offices a few days before their appointment so they wouldn’t waste time searching – this was long before gps. They lived in a crowded area and streets in their area would have a name then when that street went into a different county, the street name would change. So Ball Road might change into Wood Street. Plus the extra trip gave them a challenge and something to do. They used maps to help them.

MG: Tell me about it. I drove my sister-in-law’s MG to your house and I stopped at a filling station to see if I was going in the right direction. The attendant said yes, so I called you and said I would be there in a few minutes. The filling station guy must have thought I pulled in from the other direction because I kept going. The next time I called you it was long distance. I finally made it hours late, said hello and turned around and drove back to LA.

My friend who recently fought cancer and had chemo, stem cell treatment and lots of meds was told by her oncologist to “abstain”. She told him at 75 she didn’t really have much going on in her sex life and the doc said, “No, Marie, I mean no smoking, alcohol or recreational drug use.”

DISCOUNTS:  Also, at 70ish your dinner gets started early so you can eat and clean up the dishes before bedtime. Plus you don’t want a lot of heavy food in your stomach before 8:00 pm bedtime. My cousin MG and her husband eat dinner around 4:30 pm and their daughter called one time at 4:00 asking, “Oh, sorry, am I disturbing your dinner?”

MG: The sad thing is, she was. I think we were having creamed corn on toast.

Early bird dinner discounts are a help with the budget, but start kinda late for some of us. During the pandemic, seniors where I live got their own special shopping hour at 6:00 am. It was viewed as a badge of honor.

MG: They opened our malls at 6:00 am so the seniors can fast walk. I probably should do that. What did you say you got at the mall, Cuz?

Coupons and senior discounts are also so much fun. My mom and Aunt Loretta would bask in double coupon days. Who could save the most money?

Our dentist gives senior discounts. My husband went recently and I asked if he got a discount. “Yes,” he said. “On my bill for $5000 I got ten bucks off.”

My husband’s grandma used to say, “It’s hell to get old.” It’s a challenge but all that keeps life interesting.

Lav hopes when she kicks the bucket, she goes early in the morning so as not to cut into the rest of her day.

MG: Maybe we can kick the same bucket Cuz

By Lav

MG and Lav were honored to be invited as guests to Billy’s 60 year graduation class dinner…. on one condition:
DO NOT EMBARRASS ANYONE ATTENDING THE SPECIAL DINNER.
They knew meeting that #1 condition was no problem.  How could they ever embarrass anyone!? Ridiculous.

 MG and Lav decided they must look classy and chic first of all, so they coordinated their outfits to be both stylish and comfortable. Their hair and makeup must be perfect. MG styled her lovely, short-do in a curly style. She paired a queen-like dress with sparkly pink flats, (yes, flats). Her belt served also as a dog collar and leash in case any loose dogs wandered by. She donned a knitted cap because it was a bad hair night.

 Lav wore her long hair straightened with one side swept up and back over one ear.  She tried to highlight her best ear, the smaller one. Her dress was from a used second and third hand clothing store. It was a black long dress with short sleeves and mandarin collar with red flowers and butterfly designs. Lav liked butterflies. Butterflies are Free.  She wore open toed glittery heels that glowed in the dark. Those could come in handy during a blackout.

After many half hour’s of getting ready, the ladies were ready to make their entrance as Billy dropped them off with Gus Wonderworthful.  As they strolled into the gun club, no one looked up. No one snapped their picture. They glided over to an empty table.  Bill on the other hand was greeted the minute he walked in. His old school friends escorted him to a special table for grads from 1962. A video loop of the stars from his class was featured up in front.   MG and Lav sat at a table across the aisle from Bill so they could keep their eye on him.

 MG decided to draw some attention to her cause and tried to nail her banner up on the main wall with Lav’s help,  but Willy Wally Wonka who organized the dinner soon told MG to take it down. Bill glanced over at this point but kept talking to old athletes and pals. He seemed to look a bit embarrassed.

MG said to Lav, “Let’s mingle after we get our food. We need to recruit fans for the parade tomorrow! Maybe we can even make front page in the Coyote.”

Some young 4H kids then brought the dinners served on styrofoam plates.
Lav was happy she hadn’t paid $35 for dinner and didn’t need to steal any extra helpings. Many people came by to chat with MG noting that she was lucky to have Billy for a brother. Willy Wally Wonka kept asking MG and Lav if they were having fun. “Ask us that tomorrow when we steal the show at the parade.” (Gus kinda frowned with a warning look to MG.)

“Ohh, you’re going to be in the big parade?” Wilma Winnie Wonka asked.
“Yes, and we got a nice invitation from the gal in charge. Have you met her? MG asked, “She has one looong dark thick eyebrow?”

“Uh, no. I haven’t met her, “ Mrs. Wonka answered.

“You’d know her if you saw her,” MG said. “ Her eyebrow stands out.”

As the chocolate and vanilla cake was served, Lav took one piece of each. One piece fell on the floor. As one kid walked by, picking up plates, he slipped on the frosting, falling over. This caused chain reaction and several empty chairs fell over. One chair hit Lav and she fell over, breaking a heel of her glow in the dark shoes. MG tried to catch her but knocked the entire table over. Food flew into the air landing on Mr. and Mrs. Wonka. Luckily, it was mostly chocolate cake which they were used to from their factory days.  The mess was huge. Everyone was staring.

MG and Lav decided to exit quickly trying not to draw anymore attention.
They were both glad they hadn’t embarrassed Bill.

“Now what?” MG asked. “We can’t walk all the way into town. The heel is broken on one of your glow in the dark shoes and I have chocolate frosting in my teeth. We aren’t going to recruit fans or catch a ride looking like we do. We have to look and sound classy and stuff.”

“Yeah,” Lav said. “I know. I’ll break the heel off of my other shoe and you can just keep your mouth shut so your teeth don’t show.”

“That’s what I like about you, Lav. You’re a real problem solver. Let’s go. I’ll thumb a ride and you do all of the talking.”

And so, another day in the life of MG and Lav ends. Luckily a guy drove up and said, “Do you want some candy, girls?” Though their mother’s had always told them to never take candy from strangers, they decided to take a chance and they hopped in. In no time at all, they were back at the Chalet turned into the Range Country Lodge. And it wasn’t even dark yet.

“You’re in big trouble, Lav, with these G-Men,” ex top athlete Eddie whispered to Lav, taking her aside. “You stole an extra bbq meal in front of hundreds of people and even in front of a US Senator! The Lions members, Mr. Winterbottom and Duke Looney are witnesses as well. It’s lookin’ bad. I think we need MG here to help and use some of her ten dollar words.”

Lav looked depressed, “If you think so, Eddie. I’m not sure MG can afford
ten dollar words, especially after the Deadwood trip. Those slot machines really hypnotized her.”
Art Columbo and Smart Kojak, came closer. Mean, intimidating  and menacing were words that came to mind as Lav and Eddie stared. And those words were free.

“We need you to come with us for questioning M’aam. Winterbottom and Duke haven’t filed charges. They might go easy on you. However, you can ride in the back with the Senator. First we have to drive by the Murdo/Odrum town sign though, so the Senator can stop by it. He likes to clean and polish it and see his reflection in the sign.”

Eddie looked surprised. “Really!?! So you won’t need my help? I can draw a complete sketch of the auditorium and even the backstage scene of the so called crime, if you like. I can also outline one of our big bb games we played here!”

Just then MG ran up to the stern, mean, intimidating, menacing… you get it…G-Men.
“What are you doing to my Cousin?” she yelled.

Eddie blurted out, “They’re accusing Lav of stealing an extra meal she didn’t pay for, MG.”
“What? Lav is my cousin and she is just trying to get her $35 worth. Granted, she is cheap, in more ways than one, but I can help her. I will pay the extra $35 meal ticket, plus I will throw in a copy of my latest book…autographed even. Please forgive her.”

As Art and Smart thought about this, the Senator quickly walked by them coming outside from the auditorium with his bottle of Windex and micro fiber rag in hand. “Let’s go, men. I am ready to go clean up the sign outside town,” he said. Officer Smart ran after him to the black SUV and opened the door for the Senator.

“So we’re all settled on the stolen meal then, Mr. Columbo?” MG asked.

“Well, okay. Mrs. Columbo would like me to look the other way in this case and besides, we can’t usurp Murdo PD’s jurisdiction. We’re clear here. Oh, wait. One more thing. Officer Braveheart sent you a message. He said to tell you he misses the Brickhouse gang, but he loves his promotion to top Secret Service adviser at another house. A white one. ”With that he was gone.”

Lav gave her cousin a big hug, Eddie shook hands with them. The good old friend (some guy named Ralph) texted Lav:

-come out to the Buffalo. Do you know what their special is? Let’s meet up. I want you to see this cool mug I won today.

We’re Art, Smart and Braveheart…or something like that. We’re going back to the big house…er we mean the white house…yeah, the white house…