Barney Fife for President – Lone Wolf Headquarters aka the County Jail
Barney has been pacing back and forth, back and forth in front of the cell Otis occupies. To Otis, it seems like Barney has been doing this for hours.
Otis: You sure make it hard for guy to get a good nights sleep. Why do you keep walking back and forth like that?
Barney: stops in front of the cell…I am in the worst predicament Otis. Here I am a candidate for President, and I can’t remember a worse time in my life.
Otis doesn’t say a word. He’s afraid to open up that can of worms
Barney: Almost crying, opens the cell, walks in and sits by Otis. I lost my gun Otis. Yup, I am no longer packing a pistol. One minute I had it, and the next it was gone. I’ve looked high and low and it’s nowhere to be found. I’m supposed to be pistol packing Deputy Barney Fife, now all I’m left with is a bullet in my pocket. What good is a bullet with no gun Otis? sniff, sniff, SNIFF
Otis: Are you crying Barney, please don’t cry. What if one of the Murdo folks that you’re bound to protect walks in here and sees you crying? What if that Photographic Drawer catches you crying and draws a picture? How would that look to the voters?
Barney : With a look of steel in his watery eyes, he stands tall, pulls his pants up..no scratch that.. his pants are as far up as they’ll go. You are right Otis Campbell, you’re very seldom right, but when you’re right, you’re right. I need to pull myself together and figure out where that gun went to. It couldn’t have got up and walked off of by itself. The question is, where do I start lookin?
Just then, someone opens the door..scratch that..tries to open the door, it’s too heavy. It’s kind of a little person. Barney opens the door and in walks a different looking girl. I say different because she hasn’t been seen in Murdo before. Course it’s kinda hard to tell because she’s got a hat and sun glasses on.
Barney: I’m Deputy Barney Fife and I’m running for President on the Lone Wolf ballot.What can I do for you miss?
A I: (Aggressive Informant) I just came to check out the Murdo Jailhouse. I’ve never been in this jail. I hear it’s got a view of the zoo out the window in the cell.
Right at that moment, a nervous Otis lets himself out of the cell and walks over to put the keys back. He takes his hat off the hook, and low and behold, you will never in your life guess what is hooked on that hook!!
A I: This is sooooo interesting. Your prisoner lets himself out of the cell, hangs the keys up, gets his hat, and underneath said hat, is a gun.Barney looks at Otis, Otis looks at Barney. A I watches in amusement. It is so quiet you could almost hear crickets. Finally, A I speaks. Looks like the copper doesn’t know how to locker.
Meanwhile, Murdo girl followed closely by her 3 trusty bodyguards, Bart, Smart, and Braveheart are headed over to Ferns for the bake sale fundraiser. Teresa and Sherri are still at the Murdo Coyote talking to Janie about the rumors surrounding Barney’s missing gun.
Below are the Murdoites attending the Murdo Girl Fundraiser Bake Sale.
It’s still pretty early, the church basement cooks haven’t even arrived with the goodies
You remember Thelma Lou and Louise work at Fern’s now. The church basement cooks.
Well, that doesn’t look like much fun. Lets go check on the girls at the Murdo Coyote.
Janie Ingalls: Now what did you say? Run that by me again. You somehow found out that pistol packing Barney Fife lost his gun. Now tell me, how did you come by this information? You can’t just walk into my Newspaper office and start telling me unsubstantiated reports.
Teresa: She’s the Murdo Coyote Newspaper information Liaison. She looks at Sherri for back-up.
Sherri: Don’t look at me, I’m just here to draw.
Teresa: Pondering.. Oh yeah, I remember now. You should know all about it Janie, you reported it in the paper. You know, the other day when Barney was rambling on about George Washington sailing to Valley Forge and having to get off the boat to shoot a wolf or catch a fish? He lost his gun, just like Barney did. All he could find was the bullet still in his pocket. Sherri here even drew a nice picture didn’t you Sherri? Sherri nods
Janie: Forgive me if I’m being a little slow to take the bait girls, but as full of himself as Barney is, I have never heard him refer to himself as George Washington.
Teresa and Sherri in unison: Uh Oh
Later that day, back at the Murdo Girl Campaign offices in the basement of the Jones County County State Bank, the entire team is gathering. Bart, Smart, and Braveheart, look positively ill. Braveheart really looks like he needs some serious shuteye. Murdo girl doesn’t look that good either. At that moment, A I, Sherri, Teresa and The Queen all walk in at the same time.
Before anyone has a chance to say anything, Jerry, the Bean and Bingo counter walks in beaming from ear to ear. He has a Jones County zippered bank bag in his clutches.
Jerry: Oboyoboyoboy, we are cookin now. I have the entire proceeds from the Bake Sale Fund raiser at Fern’s. He opens up the bag and dumps what looks to be quite a bit of cold hard cash. Wait for it!! the grand total of the take, I mean proceeds is $80.25.
Murdo Girl: I spent $20.00 myself and from the looks of Bart, Smart and Braveheart, they spent a buck or two. I’m assuming that the whole staff stopped by at some point during the day and picked up a few items. I noticed Fern’s chocolate cake went really fast. At that everybody nods. Lets go around the table and add up what we ourselves spent. Braveheart please stay seated.
The Grand Total? It was counted twice and verified. The amount contributed by other Murdoites? $5.00
To top the whole day off, Lav walkes in grinning from ear to ear. She is hauling a big box of rocks in a little red wagon. Otis is with her. OTIS???
What will tomorrow bring? What is Otis doing at the Murdo Girl for Next Pres on the Coyote ticket headquarters? Is there a scandal and a cover-up brewing or is everybody’s head just sort of screwed up? Why hasn’t A I said anything other than to report she spent $2.75 at the bake sale? How did Barney’s gun get on the hook underneath Otis Campbell’s hat? Where is Yram Sicnarf? If we settle all that and still have a little time, we’ll find out (other than she is dumber than a box of rocks), what Lav is doing with a box of rocks? One more thing. Will Murdo Girl roll out her signature campaign song? (I did it my way.)