You wouldn’t think there could possibly be so much excitement and intrigue surrounding the residents who live in this small Dakota town. To this close knit community, today is just like any other day. Doesn’t every town have two Presidential candidates in their midst? I bet Presho has an Aggressive Informant, a Photographic Drawer, and a pesky reporter who got run off by all the teachers at the High School, only to snag two other reporting jobs in as many weeks. Draper must have a Deputy Sheriff who lost his gun only to find it hanging under the hat belonging to a guy who puts himself in his cell every night to sleep off a few too many adult drinks? When Vivian residents are walking around town, surely they run into a girl who calls herself “Vivian Girl ” followed by three bodyguards named Bart, Smart, and Braveheart? I better stop now before my sentences get any longer.
There has however, been another needed position filled. I bet none of the towns mentioned or even White River have what we have now.
A TOWN CRIER
The Town Crier has just announced there is to be a press conference in the grassy area next to the Courthouse. It will begin promptly at 2:00 p.m., which is just a few minutes from now so let’s hurry.
It appears the press is gathering on the lawn. I see Tommy, Janie, Yram, and the Photographic Drawer, as well as Teresa, the Liaison who communicates between the Murdo Girl Camp and the Murdo Coyote Newspaper. Wait! Here comes the Aggressive informant too. Quite a crowd for sure. Now I see Murdo girl, Bart, Smart, and Braveheart headed this way. Well for heaven’s sakes, here comes Jerry (holding his Jones County Bank bag), Thelma Lou and Louise, Otis, and good grief Deputy Sheriff Barney Fife. Well, slap my face and call me stupid. Is that the Queen at the microphone?
Queen: Chip chip cheerio to all the Murdo commoners. I’m here to extend a bipartisan olive branch. I’ll cut to the chase. Barney found his gun, and now…We know who the Gun Ghost is.Who did you think it was? I was so surprised when I found out..who would have ever in their wildest God save the Queen moment, been able to guess it could…..
Barney: Interrupting the Queen..Thank you for your bipartisan branch Queen. It has taken a combined effort of people on both sides of the isle, to round up this criminal we call “Gun Ghost”. Ya know, (sniff, pulls his pants up), At first I thought it was Otis. After I saw that gun hanging under his hat hanging on the wall, I put two and two together and came up with Otis. As further information surfaced, Deputy Barney fife had to rethink that idea. Upon further investigation, we were able to rule out Otis as a suspect. At this time, I would like to call to the mic, Murdo Girl’s Aggressive Informant, A I
A I: Deputy Fife is correctomundo! Otis is just by nature, a suspicious looking guy, I mean just take a look. (All heads and eyes turn towards Otis). Sometimes it’s a persons shame and embarrassment of themselves that makes them look suspicious. That was the case with Otis. He was sneaking around not making eye contact because of shame and embarrassment. We couldn’t for the life of us figure out why Otis would be hanging around with the likes of Lav the rock hauler. Otis, would you tell this extremely large crowd, just why you were following Lav around?
A I: Otis speak up, why are ya whispering? Look me in the eye Otis.
Otis: Community service…the judge told me I had to do 20 hours of community service and hauling rocks is what prisoners do so I figured it was a community service. That morning at the jailhouse when miss A I came in, I woke up and knew I had to get on over to meet Lav so we could go haul rocks. I couldn’t be even one minute late. If I’d still been under the influence, I sure wouldn’t of been anymore after I saw that gun hanging under my hat. I’d hall more rocks today, but it’s too windy to haul rocks today.
The crowd is kind of talking around to each other when one guy says.
Guy in the crowd: I think it’s Stinky Davis: That’s all well and good Otis, but we all heard the Murdo Camp secretly talked you into coming to Murdo. I heard tell they brought you here for nefarious reasons. (Stinky likes to use big words sometimes.) Explain that Otis.
Murdo Girl: Walks up and gently nudges the Queen away from the microphone. My fellow Murdoites, It’s true that I brought Otis to town. It’s true that he did the Murdo Girl Campaign a favor, but that favor had nothing to do with stealing Barney’s gun. We brought Otis here to distract Barney. Otis kept Barney up all night. Barney had to give him sobriety tests and show him around the new jail. The next morning, Barney was tired and twitterpated. He must have been so distracted, the Gun Ghost took advantage of his state of mind and nabbed the gun during the night. Barney took off his holster and nodded off for a bit. Like me, I’m sure you are all wondering why the Gun Ghost brought the gun back and hung it under Otis’s hat.
Woman in the crowd: I think it’s Alma Davis, Stinky’s wife. Excuse me Murdo Girl, but if Barney and the Queen, and a few others know who did it, they surely must know why, and when. Can we have a name already?
Barney: Walks up and gently nudges Murdo Girl away from the microphone. From the expression on Deputy Fife’s face, it’s pretty clear the Baaaaaaarn is back to his old self. Geez..listen to what he says: I’m kinda parched from doing all this talkin. Let’s adjourn to the Murdo Wall Drug for some ice water.
Which cup do you like best??
Will the writer’s mean streak continue? For the love of Pete, tell us who’s five fingers lifted the Baaaaaarn’s gun! Will Deputy Fife’s numbers climb higher in the Pole Vault Poles? Has Murdo Girl’s popularity reached it’s peak or will she some up with another in a series of brilliant ideas? Hang on to your seats Murdoites, It ain’t over till I say it’s over! As the campaign song , which will be sung tomorrow by Carol Callihan Fairbanks, says:
I DID IT MY WAAAAAY