It’s morning again, (yes I know… again), in Murdo, South Dakota. Barney is at the jailhouse pacing back and forth in front of the cell that Otis is occupying. (Yes I know.. again.) Tonight is the opening night of the Lone Wolf Convention, and Barney is nervous. He can’t think straight and he can’t sit still. A nervous Deputy Barney Fife is not a good thing.
Barney: (Talking to himself)..What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
Otis: Barney! Please stop going back and forth in front of my cell. This jail used to be such a peaceful place. It was starting to feel like home. I didn’t even miss Mayberry that much anymore, but ever since you started running for President, you’ve gone crazy and you’re taking me with you. I can’t be crazy and snockered Barney, that’s just too much!
Barney: I’m worried Otis. People around Murdo just don’t act like they’re feeling the Baaaaarn anymore. The Lone Wolf Convention Party is tonight and it just doesn’t seem like things are going right.
Otis: Don’t you mean The Lone Wolf County Convention Barney? It’s not a party at first is it Barney? Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for Thelma Lou and Louise to be the Chair and the Co-Chair. That’s the C of the LWCC and the CC of..
Barney: Oh for crying out loud Otis I know all that, I know every bit of it. It’s too much, it’s just too much Otis that’s all.
Otis: That’s what I said Barney. I already said that. Didn’t ya hear me Barney? I said it’s too much.
Just then the door swings open and guess who comes in? Is it Sheriff Duke? No..It’s Thelma Lou and Louise.
Barney: Thelma Lou and Louise, for cryin out loud where have you been?
Thelma Lou: Oh, Barney, do you always have to talk in that whiny voice? I get tired of hearing you whine. Louise and I have been in town for a while and we’ve got everything handled. You can stop whining Barney. We even got your campaign slogan plastered on all the Wall Drug signs from here to Timbuktu. It’s kind of like the words Louise and I live by. It says: “Mess with Barney and I’ll wait for Karma to do its job, Mess with Murdo and Whateverland, and I become Karma.. Barney Fife for President.”
Barney: Karma is like a girl’s name. I want people to feel the Baaaaaarn! I’m Deputy Barney Fife, and I gotta have a manly type slogan.
Louise: You can forget that idea right now. Do ya hear me Barney? Thelma Lou and I aren’t going back and change all those signs. You can get that out of your head right now!
Later that night at the opening of the Lone Wolf County Convention at the Harold Thune Auditorium, someone is singing Barney’s campaign song. Let’s take a look. Poor Barney must be feeling like a little needle man in a haystack world… I had no idea Barney’s dog could sing.
(Sung to the melody of “Oh, My Darlin’ Clementine”)
In a jailhouse, down in Murdo, fightin’ crime and risking life,
Dwelled a sheriff and his buddy, pistol-packing Barney Fife.
Oh, my darin’ oh, my darin’ oh, my darin’ Barney Fife,
He’s a deadly crime-stopper, what a copper, Barney Fife.
One day there came a-ridin’ two bad men to rob a bank.
But Fife was tricky, a dead-eye dickey. Now they’re locked up in the tank.
(Sheriff Duke added the following couplet.)
Oh, my Barney, oh, my Barney, had a jail and couldn’t lock it.
Had one bullet for his pistol, had to keep it in his pocket.
Next up was Otis campbell who gave quite a lucid endorsement of Barney.
Otis Campbell : Most of you don’t know me. I’ve been here in Murdo a few weeks now, but I’ve mostly been in jail. The jail here is really quiet, so I like it here and if Deputy Fife wins the election…I will follow him wherever he may go. There isn’t an ocean too deep, a mountain so high it can keep, keep me away, away from my destiny…oh, sorry folks, I didn’t know I could sing. Anyway you delegates, the best thing I like about Barney is he doesn’t make me take a sobriety test until I’m sober. He will make a great President. Mark my words.Oh, and I never have to share my cell. I have the cell with a view of the Murdo Zoo.
I think Otis did a pretty good job. After all, he didn’t have some cute little kid like Tammy Lindquist getting up there. She tried, unsuccessfully, to paint Murdo girl as a lousy person just because she was a lousy babysitter.
Meanwhile, back at the Coyote Campground Compound
There are no happy campers at the Murdo Girl Campground Compound
Especially Murdo Girl and A I
Tomorrow: No news is good news. The campaign is taking a brief hiatus for the first of a two day series called “What Takes You Back?”