Well, I’m on my way to Pearl’s to take Pearl the dog for a walk before we go to Pearl’s new business, which is now named Pearl’s Busy Nest. I don’t know why she named it that. It’s not like we sell birds or anything. In fact, we don’t really sell things. Pearl says we sell a state of mind and ambulance. I didn’t ask her what that meant…I was afraid she’d tell me.
Grace gets letters asking her all kinds of different stuff. I help her answer almost all of them because I know who wrote most of them, and I know all about their problems. I think it’s a real good thing don’t you? I’ve wanted to tell most of them what they’re doing wrong anyway.
I’m Pearl the dog. Sometimes little kids come with their Moms to Pearl’s Busy Nest to get therapy. I play with the kids
Pearl isn’t too happy yet. She is trying to get her light therapy business going. She has a different theme every day. She’s going to put an ad in the Murdo Coyote once a week. She wants to make sure people don’t think she’s going to hypnotize them or play with the Ouija board. She tells the client her methods have all been clinically tested. Did you know there isn’t such a thing? Pearl says there is no place where people go to have their stuff clinically tested. It just makes things sound more expensive and their innertuition will make them think it’s the best stuff ever.
Well Pearl the dog and aren’t at the business yet, but we almost are.
I always go in the back door. “Hi Pearl and Grace. I’m here…are you?”
Grace flew out of the bathroom and came over to me. “I’m so glad you’re here, Ellie. We got a doozie of a letter back from someone we um…advised. I don’t know what to do. Doozies make me really nervous.”
“Please take deep breaths, Grace. You’ll get a bad stomach and we don’t have any ice chips here. Where’s the letter?”
“Here,” Grace handed it over to me like it was a hot potato.”
Well, I took your advise and something awful happened. If you’ll remember, I’m the one with the sweet, sweet husband who said he was going to live forever because he drank so much apple cider.
I told you about last week when we went to the doctor for his regular check-up and the doc said my sweet man was going to have to quit drinking alcohol or he was going to need a new liver. I piped up and said, “Oh, no doctor, that can’t be right. My husband doesn’t drink anything but apple cider. The good doc said, “That’s what they all say. Haven’t you wondered how he gets loaded every night?”
Miss Grace…you told me to gradually wean him off the hard stuff. You said to dump a little alcohol out of the bottle and replace it with apple cider. You said to gradually increase the amount of apple juice and cut back on the alcohol.
Well I’m here to tell you miss Grace, after the first few days, he got so mean, I started to swig out of that bottle instead of pouring it out. Then I started gulping. The more I drank the nicer he got. I realized I didn’t know he drank so much until he came home cold sober one night.
I’m in a fix and it’s all your fault missy! What am I to do. I hope to read your answer in the newspaper SOON!
“Land sakes, Ellie, what are we to do?”
“Well, we’re going to have to think of something. I was worried my plan didn’t work. I saw Anonalmous coming out of the post office the other day and she didn’t look so good.”
Pearl must have heard us because she came out of the closet/office with a bottle of her clinically tested Pearlelixer fixer.
“We must sell her some of my Pearlelixer fixer. It cures fixations and prolongs life. I even sold it to a gentleman with a gambling fixation. He was cured. He never again entered a casino, although I did hear he went to the horse races once in a while because he loves to watch horses run.
“So…she doesn’t know who Miss Grace is does she?” Grace and I both shook our heads. ” Good..write her a letter and tell her she must get Pearilixer fixer. Her desire to tip the bottle will leave her along with her arthritis.”
You have to admit…this is a big improvement
So that’s what we did and it worked. ANONALMOUS turned into a new woman., and Pearl started selling Pearlelixir fixer hand over fist. I didn’t know flat seven-up, a dash of cinnamon and a splash of apple cider vinegar could cure everything. Did you?