Those 70ish Girls

It sure seems to me like Pearl is getting herself into deep Elixerfixer water. All the women in town who think they got their hands on some sort of miracle elixer, have been spending big money and expecting big results. Pearl gets kind of carried away when she’s in her sale’s mode and says her Elixerfixer will cure everything from halitosis to splotchy skin. It used to be they all convinced themselves the stuff worked magic, but the more realistic women are starting to suspect they’ve been hoodwinked.

Anyway, this is Ellie-Essie and I’m on my way over to The Busy Nest, which is Pearl’s place of business. She’s having a meeting to discuss the mess we’re in.

“Hi Pearl, hi Grace…I’m here are you?”

Grace: I’m here. Pearl is too, but she’s been locked up in her office all morning. She’s trying to come up with a scheme to save the Elixerfixer.

EE: I think we should call it a plan not a scheme, Grace. How is your advice column going? Do you need some help? I love reading about people’s problems. This is such a small town, it’s pretty easy to figure out who wrote the letter.

Grace: Here’s one that has me stumped. It says:

Dear Grace,

I’ve been using Elixerfixer for two months now and people are still continually offering me gum and breath mints. I’m beginning to think the Elixerfixer isn’t working. Do you have any other suggestions?

EE: Here’s what you say, Grace.

Dear mint magnet,

If you read the directions on the Elixerfixer carefully, you will note it says you must gargle with one fourth cup of Elixerfixer for fifteen minutes before and after every meal, plus it’s also good to stay about three feet away from people whenever you can. Elixerfixer works miracles, but you must follow the directions on the bottle that are in the extremely fine print. You have to look on the back of the label to find them.

(Pearl comes bursting out of her office. She is full of renewed vigor.)

Pearl: I’ve got it! I have been plotting, I mean planning for hours and I think I’ve found a way to save my Elixerfixer.

Grace and EE: How?

Pearl: We’re going to add a touch of baking soda to it, that always makes people feel better, and call it new and improved. We’ll up the price and add a little more fine print. We can tell everyone they should preorder. Because of the complicated process required to produce this miraculous miracle elixer, it will be rather hard to get for a while.

Grace: So now it will contain distilled water, apple cider vinegar, lemon juice and baking soda? We’re going to have to make another midnight run to the Red Owl Store in Pierre. Do we have to wear disguises again?

Pearl: Yes…we’ll put a sign on the door saying we’re out of town to meet with chemists. We’ll make a Red Owl run tonight!

Next…Elixerfixer explodes