This is Murdo Girl and I’m looking for Yram Sicnarf. She’s in town trying to line up a team of people to help me with my campaign. Yes… I’m hoping to be the first woman Coyote POTUS. I’m convinced we can make short work of the Donkeys and Elephants out there. I believe you’ve got to kick off any new campaign right in your own hometown. That’s what Senator John Thune did, and look how well he’s doing. He’s got a sign you know. My cousin told me I could get a banner at Staples. Murdo doesn’t have a store called Staples, so I went to Lee Beckwith’s store. He’s got staples, but no banners.
Campaigns are tough on people. Look what happened to these women, and they only ran for the water board. They’re going to help me with my petition to change the name on the water towers to Murdo Girl Towers. Kind of like Trump tower, only I’ll have two of them.
The truth is, I’m a few years older than John, so I’ve got to move a little faster. Frankly, I’m a little worried about Yram. She’s out of shape big-time. And Queenie? Let’s not go there.
I’m just about to walk into Fern’s Cafe. I decided I was hungry for a good cheeseburger. I thought I’d also get the temperature of the potential voters. You know, put a few feelers out.
I think I’ll sit over there by that skinny guy with the pinched face, seated at the counter. I think he’s a trucker.
Murdo Girl: Hi there. I noticed a big ol rig out there, and I reckon it must be your’n. (Ya gotta talk truck driver lingo when you’re trying to make friends with a trucker.)
Trucker guy has not yet made eye contact and continues to wolf down his coffee and a donut.
Murdo Girl: Well, Mr. rig driving trucker, have you ever heard of Murdo Girl?
Trucker: What’s a Murdo Girl?
Murdo Girl: You must not be from around these parts if’n you don’t know about Murdo Girl. She’s about to kick off a campaign. She’s running on the Coyote ticket for POTUS
Trucker gets up and leaves.
Murdo Girl: Hey Pete, do you know that trucker guy?
Pete: Do you mean that guy who just walked out without paying? Yeah I know him.
Murdo Girl: I didn’t mean to run him off… I guess this isn’t a real good time to ask you about having a campaign fund raiser for me here at Ferns? We’re Just talking a few free donuts and cookies, and free coffee of course.
Pete leans on the counter with one elbow, chews on his toothpick a little, looks me straight in the eye, and says, “No.” Pete doesn’t talk much. At least the times I’ve been around him.
Murdo Girl: How much is a piece of chocolate cake Pete? A small one. I can’t remember which of them, but Sherri Miller or Mom Banks aka Carol Callihan Fairbanks, told me she loves your chocolate cake. I’ve never had it, but it sure does look good. Is the coffee free? (Pete doesn’t comment. I decide I will come back around when Fern is here. Pete is Fern’s son.)
As I headed for my Willys Jeep, I noticed the big rig was gone, but the driver was still there. Eaten up with curiosity, I decided to go over to him and check it out. I asked him why he was still there, but his rig was gone?
Trucker Guy: I’m not a trucker guy Ms.Woman Coyote for President. I’m Barney Fife, and this here is my patrol car. I always get free donuts and coffee at Fern’s. I heard you were coming home to”kick off.” I was hoping that meant you had some fatal illness.
And another thing! If I ever see money change hands in a situation like that back there in Fern’s, you’ll be sitting out the election in the Jones County Jail! CAN YOU HEAR ME MURDO GIRL?
Murdo Girl: Funny, I hadn’t noticed the deputy uniform and the badge until just now!
Then I saw something that made my eye start to twitch.
Barney: “People around these parts are feeling the Baaaaarn!”
Murdo Girl: You don’t have a chance, Barney Fife, because you’re alldumb!
Meanwhile, back at the crow’s nest of the Harold Thune Auditorium, Yram Sicnarf is in a chair sound asleep.
Mr. Palmer is giving some kid a saxophone lesson. He looks over at Yram and shakes his head. The next lesson is on the drums…and possibly the cymbals. Poor thing, he thought. I might just agree to that parade. First I have to see what platform Murdo Girl stands on.
To be continued