You Got a Job to do? You better give it to the Queen. She’s a real overachiever.
Murdo Girl Campaign Headquarters (Basement of the Jones County State Bank)
Murdo girl: Well, after an event such as we had yesterday, I think it’s important to reflect on what we all learned from participating in the first ever”Coyote and Lone Wolf Parade.” Who wants to go first?
Murdo Girl Grandchildren against Barney
Crickets Crickets Crickets
Murdo girl: Speaking of crickets, has anyone seen our crack up reporter Yram Sicnarf today? I believe the last time I saw her, she was riding around all over with Thelma Lou and Louise, I wonder what that was about?
Lav: I know! It’s one of my well thought out publicity stunts. I had the idea that Yram could get in good with Barney Fife’s girlfriend Thelma Lou, and maybe dig up some dirt. We’ve got to get some dirt on somebody Murdo Girl.
Murdo Girl: I agree Lav. You’re just one more failed publicity stunt from being out of a job. I don’t think Jerry appreciated much that you stuck your nose in his business. Did we even get one red cent out of anybody’s couch? Which I believe was your idea!!
Jerry: No, but we got everything else. We got socks, toothpicks, lots of potato chips, and one of those battery operated nose hair clippers..we might be able to sell those nose hair clippers to old Otis Campbell. Have you seen the nose hair on that man… not to mention the hair coming out of his ears…
Murdo Girl: (Interrupting Jerry) Thanks for the report Jerry, but Otis did a good job for us yesterday, and we don’t want to take advantage. Thanks to Otis, Deputy Sheriff and Lone Wolf candidate for POTUS, is in for a liiitle bitty surprise. Geez Jerry, slow down on those potato chips, all that salt will make you thirsty, and we’re about to have a severe shortage of free water. Now Lav, What kind of dirt do you think Yram is gonna get out of Thelma Lou and Louise?
Lav: Well, Murdo Girl, It’s kind of a double gift. When Thelma Lou and Louise came in yesterday they mowed down all the Wall Drug signs from here to Rapid City. They’re going to double back, and stick them all back into the dirt, but turn them around in such a way, they’ll direct all the tourists to Murdo. Another money saver for the campaign. Barney doesn’t even know about it because he’s over at the Courthouse making trouble for the Queen who’s trying to get all her petitions petitioned. (Lav is referring to the petitions to change the name of the water towers to Murdo Girl Towers, and to move Wall Drug to Murdo.)
Murdo Girl: There ya go Lav, sticking your nose into Jerry’s business again. That’s not the kind of dirt you need to be digging up! I guess you’ve all figured out that trying to become President of the United States isn’t a job for sissies. I have a meeting with the Water Board in a few minutes so we’ve got to wrap this up. I want them to know I’m against Water Boarding. That’s another thing on my platform. Now get out there and do what your paid to do, even if you don’t get paid to do it. It’s privilege enough to be supporting the next President of the United States of America.
Lav: Only half of them next Pres. We only had time to file in 25 states. We’ll catch the other 25 next election. Say, next Pres, did you ever finish up your platform? I saw a cute pair of platform shoes over at the Gambles Store.
Murdo Girl: Funny you should say, say Lav. Our Grandpa Sanderson says say all the time doesn’t he? He’ll say, Say! How about that Parade??
Now let’s get out there in Murdo Girl World and make it happen! Lav, I want you to get over to the Methodist Church and ask the basement cooks if they’ll provide the goodies for the bake sale fundraiser at Fern’s.
Pete doesn’t really want me coming over there anymore, but he said he likes the idea of free water, so the rest of you are welcome. Jerry, you put some feelers out about an all community garage sale fundraiser. Maybe we can put some empty coffee cans around town too for donations. We gotta think outside the box. That’s how I thought of cans. I’ll go track down Yram and the Queen, and see if Otis has let himself out of the cell yet. GO TEAM COYOTE!
Barney Fife Campaign Headquarters (The Jones County Jailhouse)
Barney: (In a whinny voice) Now Thelma Lou and Louise where in tarnation have you been? I’ve been trying to hold down the fort here and keep an eye on that conniving Queen all by myself. (sniff) A gun doesn’t help much in this situation.
Thelma Lou: We’ve been over at Fern’s talking to some truckers. We’ve been talking you up big time sweet cakes. There’s a lotta truckers out there that would love to see you in the Big House.
Barney: (still whining), Now Thelma Lou, how many times do I have to tell you it’s the White House, not the Big House. (sniff, sniff, and more sniff).
Otis: Hey Barney, I can’t find the key in this jail. I’ve never been in this jail before. I kinda like it. It’s got a nice view of the zoo out this little window. I’ve always liked the zoo.
Barney: Now Otis, that’s not the zoo, that’s a big dog looking through the bars on that window. You must still be inebriated. With all I’ve got to do in this Lone Wolf campaign, now I’ve gotta stop and give you a sobriety test. (Strolls over and gets the key ring off the wall and hands it to Otis.) The key ring is in the same place as it was in Mayberry, you’re just still inebriated that’s all.
Louise with Thelma Lou shooting daggers at her: I have an idea Barney..(saunters over to Barney). We need to find a way to make you look like a hero in this hole in the Wall Murdo town. That’ll get you some votes quicker than scat! The Mudoite voters will be so proud of you Barney, and they’ll feel safe and beholden to you. They’ll forget all about the free ice water at the Wall Drug and the Murdo Girl Towers.
Barney: That’s the best idea I’ve heard yet Louise. (sniffs, pulls up his pants and pats his holster. Then with eyes real big, he pats his gun holster again…) with sheer horror and terror running up and down his spineless, frail, body, he realizes his gun is gone. His face is even more pinched than usual.
To Be Continued
Will Thelma Lou and Louise become informants and work both sides of the street? Will Fern hire them or will Pete run them off? (Like he did Murdo Girl.) Will Jerry get some money to count or will be continue to eat potato chips and start retaining free water. Will he be able to handle the responsibility of bean counting, cans, AND bingo?
Will the team welcome a new player?