Those 70ish Girls

Something awful has happened! Pearl called my mom this morning and said Grace got really sick in the night. They have a nurse with her until her son Tim gets there from Montana. They think she might have to go to Pierre to the hospital. Mom said Pearl was a wreck and sent me to stay with her until things settle down. I’m not quite there yet, but I almost am.

I don’t do well with sick people. I’m always worried that whatever they have might rub off on me. I sure hope Pearl doesn’t get sick like Grace, because I’m not sure I could stay with her. That would make my mom really mad, because she thinks I’m being ridiculous. I don’t agree because not everybody is cut out to help sick people. The first thing I’m going to do when I get there is take Pearl the dog for a really long walk.

“Hi Pearl!” I’m here…are you?”

“Yes Essie…I’m so happy you’re here. I don’t do well with sick people and I feel just terrible that I can’t go and comfort Grace, but I just get too upset and I fear that will upset her.”

“Are you afraid she might rub off on you?” I asked.

“Not exactly, but I know what you mean. Whenever I’m near someone who is sick, I feel like I’m having all of their symptoms, and that can’t be good for me or poor Grace.”

“Are you a hydrocrondiac, Pearl?”

Pearl looked at me funny, but I think she is one and just doesn’t want to face it.

“Well, I’m going to take Pearl the dog for a long walk so she stays well.” I wasn’t asking a question, but Pearl answered me anyway. She told me to be back in ten minutes, because she felt a sinking spell coming on. I’ve never heard of a hydrocrondiac having a sinking spell, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

“Come on Pearl. Do your duty because you only have ten minutes.”

Pearl looked at me like she does when I have to be stern. She doesn’t like to see my stern face.

“Why do you have to take so long to pick out your spot, Pearl? Don’t they all smell just the same? I’m telling you, if Pearl has a full blown sinking spell, it will be your fault.”

When we got back upstairs, Pearl the human was sitting in her living room and she looked fine. Her hair was all nice and she even had her bright red lipstick on. She was sitting in her favorite chair and she had a notepad and a pen.

“We came back in ten minutes just like you said, Pearl.”

 

“Good…Because we have work to do, Essie. I’m making you my ‘Power of Splendiferous.’ Do you know what that is?”

I had no idea what splendiferous even meant, so I told her no.

As my ‘Power of Splendiferous,’ you will have certain responsibilities should I become too ill to do them myself…which in my case would be comatose. I can see the stricken look on your face, Essie, so I will explain. Here is a pen and pad so you can write things down. Are you ready?”

I took the pen and pad from her, but if she was going to get comatose, I was not going near her.

“There is good news and bad news. The good news is I don’t color my hair because it is a beautiful shade of nearly white. You won’t have to worry about dying my roots. Did you write that down, Essie?”

“The bad news is, I have a hair on my chin that needs to be plucked once a week or so. That one is critical. I would hate to think that visitors would be focused on that hair and not on my otherwise blemish free face.”

“Next…are you ready? Write this so years from now, you will be able to understand what you wrote. I look ghastly without lipstick, but I would look even ghastlier lying in bed with this bright red color on my lips. Go get my make-up case and I’ll show you which color to put on me. You can skip the lip liner. Unless you are practiced it can look garish.”

By the time I was done, Pearl had listed nine things for me to do when she gets comatose. She even showed me the nightgowns she wants to wear. She hopes she gets some for Christmas, because she only has three good ones right now. Pearl let me write down that she doesn’t expect me to put her gowns on unless I’m at least fifteen when she succumbs to whatever. I just have to make sure it gets done by an able person.

I got to take Pearl the dog for a long walk… all the way to my house to get my night clothes. I’m staying the night with Pearl. Mom said it would ease her mind. I didn’t tell her I wasn’t that crazy about spending the night with a hydrocrondiac that might have a sinking spell and get comatose. I was getting kind of used to being a ‘Power of Splendiferous.’

 

 

 

Betsy is at the beauty shop fixing Mrs. Jenkins hair. (Mrs. Jenkins is Wat’s wife. He’s the mailman.) Betsy loves her because she knows all the scoop in town.Betsy: What do you know today, Mrs. Jenkins? Anything interesting happening in town?

Mrs. Jenkins looks a little uncomfortable.

Mrs. Jenkins: Well, there is sadness in the air Betsy, nothing but sadness. Wat says all the mail he is delivering around town is bills. He says the envelopes from the same bill collectors get fatter every week. It’s a bad sign of things to come. Your business will be falling off too if people don’t start getting some paying customers. After all, Betsy, your business is considered…after market.

Betsy: What, pray tell, is, “after market?”

Mrs. Jenkins: Well, you know when a person goes and buys himself a new car? He decides he doesn’t want to pay for all the bells and whistles which are considered after market items. Wat can cut out my weekly trips to the Beauty Shop, and the masseuse. I don’t have a masseuse, but if I did, he could cut it out, because those are both after market items. They might make me look better, but he can live without them.

Betsy: It can’t get much slower than it is already, Mrs. Jenkins. I’ll have to give up my shop if it doesn’t get better soon. As it is, I fix a lot of hair for a lot of nothing.

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Sylvia is looking out the window of the bookstore. She’s hoping a customer will come and buy a book. Business is really down and she’s concerned Tom might not be able to keep her on if business doesn’t pick up soon. They don’t even have an increase in sales at Christmastime because Thanksgivington doesn’t celebrate Christmas, therefore, people don’t buy each other Christmas gifts. Well, at least Tom decided to partner with Happy over at Happy’s Flower Shop for the parade competition. He’s over there right now swapping ideas with Happy.

Tom: I don’t even know where to begin, Happy. I’ve never been a part of entering in a parade competition before, and I sure don’t know what a perfect Christmas would look like.

Happy: You know, Tom…I didn’t realize you were quite this jumpy. You’re kind of getting on my nerves. I think I have some lavender over here. If you hold it under your nose, maybe it’ll calm you down some.

Tom: Thanks, Happy…I’ve never tried lavender. It has a good odor to it.

Happy: You mean scent, Tom. A rotten egg has an odor, flowers have a scent.

Tom: Whatever it is, it smells real nice. You don’t seem to have many flowers  in your flower shop, Happy. You must have sold a bunch today.

Happy: Not exactly, Tom. It’s been a long time between good days here, and I just can’t afford keep fresh flowers on hand if I can’t sell them. As it is, on the rare occasion someone does call, I have to tell them I’m sold out.

Tom: Why do you think I read all my books? It’s because I can’t sell any. I have Sylvia’s wages to pay, too. I’m not going to be able to keep her on much longer.

Over at Sweet Sally’s Bakery, Sally is sitting at one of her empty tables. She is staring at the fresh carrot cake and cinnamon rolls in the food case. She has used the last of her flour, sugar and spices and there is no money to buy more. Sally refuses to freeze them, even if they are the last she will ever make. 

And so it goes in the pretty little burg of Thanksgivington. They have no children, they have no business, and they have no money.

As Sally walks the fifteen blocks home, she thinks about her own situation. She doesn’t want to move away from Thanksgivington, but it appears she is going to have to close the bakery, and when that happens, there won’t be a reason to stay here. She has another problem as well. Kitty hates Thanksgivington.

As with most stories, there is one who has the answer to Thanksgivington’s dilemma. Can he do what must be done in time? Will Thanksgivington have a perfect Christmas?

 

We left Thanksgivington  before you had been introduced to all  the townspeople. They are very anxious to meet you! I’m the Beasterhop and I will be the narrator of this tell tail tale… of sorts.

The Beasterhop

Sally…owner of Sweet Sally’s Bakery

You will meet Kitty later.

Tom…owner of Tom’s Books

Sylvia…works for Tom

Betsy…owner of Betsy’s Hare-dos

Thanksgivington Train Station

The townspeople have decided they will be celebrating Christmas for the very first time. They haven’t had so much as a peppermint candy cane in the past. You see, there are no children in Thanksgivington. How could they celebrate Christmas without children?

The people of Thanksgivington are tired of missing out on the joys of Christmas, so they decided to plan their own perfect Christmas.

This year, they are going to have a Christmas Extravaganza with all the trimmings. It will culminate with a huge parade. The theme for the extravaganza will be, A Perfect Christmas. The business or organization with the best representation of  A Perfect Christmas will receive the first annual Christmas Extravaganza trophy

There is one other thing. Each business and/or organization must pair up with another business and/or organization and work together on their entry. 

Let’s head back over to Sweet Sally’s Bakery and have some hot chocolate and a danish. Looks like Sally is  visiting with  Watson the mailman. Watson is rather hard of hearing, so this could be interesting.

Sally: Good morning Wat…Do I have mail today?

Wat: What, what? Oh, you mean Wat. Sorry Sally, I’m still delivering mail. Can I have a rain-check? Oh no, can’t do that either. I have to deliver the mail even if it rains, or snows and a bunch of other weather related stuff. Here’s your mail, Sally. You got a nice card there from your sister, yup…I always did like your sister.

Sally was going to ask him if he would be her partner for the parade, but she knew it wouldn’t do any good to yell after him…he wouldn’t hear her anyway. Oh well, it’s only November 1st. There is a lot of time between now and December 25th.

I highly recommend Sally’s danish. It’s the best I’ve ever eaten. Let’s go on over and see Tom and Sylvia at the bookstore.

That Tom really is Jumpy. If he doesn’t want to be startled all the time, he should take those bells down. Here comes Sylvia.

Sylvia: I hate making you jump every time I open that door, Tom. Why don’t you take those bells down?

Tom: That’s not why I’m so jumpy today, Sylvia. I’m nervous about our entry for the Christmas extravaganza parade. I can’t think of anyone who would want to be my partner. I get so jumpy when I’m nervous.

Sylvia: Now you’re talking foolishness, Tom. I for one, will help, but you’re right. We have to find another business or organization to partner with.

Here comes Happy the Happy Flower Shop owner. Tom is looking right at Happy and he still jumps. I fear he will fall off his stool.

Happy: You really should take those bells down Tom. It can’t be good for you to jump every time someone comes through the door.

Tom: I know Happy, but I like to hear the bells. It might be someone coming in to buy a book. I don’t sell many books anymore. It seems I spend all day reading them myself. I guess when I’m done with all of the books, I’ll start reading the dictionary.

Happy: Sorry, Tom, I don’t need a book today, but What do you think about partnering with me for the Christmas Parade?

Tom: I don’t know Happy. Do you have any ideas?

Happy: You surprise me, Tom… I figured a jumpy guy like you would jump right on the bandwagon…Hey, Let’s put a bandwagon in the parade. That’s a great idea! We’ll fill in the blanks later…see ya Tom!

 

Meanwhile, Betsy is talking to all her customers at Betsy’s Beauty Shop.

Betsy: Hey girls…How about we all get together and enter that Christmas extravaganza parade? I have an idea that is sure to be a winner. We’ll take the trophy for sure. Why, in a few years, we’ll have the walls in my beauty shop lined with trophies.

They don’t know they’re about to have a little visit from Sally’s sister….

Don’t read this part to the kiddies…I’m just making sure you’re paying attention.

Word of the day: bandwagon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m on my way over to Pearl’s house. It’s Halloween today and I still don’t have a costume. Pearl said she would help me…right before she chewed me out for waiting til the last minute. I’m not what you call a creation person. I’m more like a “You get it ready and I’ll wear it person.” I’m happy Pearl the human is going to help me, but I’m a little worried.  Who knows what I’m going to look like. Pearl always tells me not to count a gift horse in the teeth, or something like that.

“I’m here Pearl…I’m going to take Pearl the dog for her walk, and then I’ll try on the costume you figured out for me, okay?”

“Okay,” Pearl said. “Come back here to the cat room when you get back. ”

“Land sake,”  Pearl says to herself. “Maybe Doc Brown is right. I need to get my eyes checked. I can’t even wink right anymore.”

***********************************

It was a really nice day, so Pearl the dog and I took a longer walk than usual. It isn’t very often you don’t have wind in South Dakota, and the sun was out, too.

On our way back to Pearls, we stopped at my friend Andy’s house. He was just sitting there watching the Andy Griffith show.

“I keep forgetting to ask you, Andy. Who are you going to dress up like to go trick-or- treating tonight?”

“I’m going to dress up like me carrying a big candy bag, and if Mom doesn’t have a big enough bag, I’ll take my pillow case.”

“You can’t do that, Andy. You will spoil it for the rest of us because all the people will  think you’re out of the spirit and just in it for the candy.”

“What? I am just in it for the candy and so are you, so why dress up like something stupid?”

“Well, all I’ve got to say is, if you go as yourself, you’ll be dressing up like something stupid. Come with Pearl the dog and me back to Pearl the human’s place. She’ll get us both fixed up with a costume and we can go together tonight.”

That night Andy,  Andy’s little brother and I went trick-or-treating together.

Pearl the dog is thinking…wake me when it’s over.

Andy: It’s funny isn’t it how everybody knows who we are. Hey look! All those little kids are scared of us…that’s cool.”

Ellie: No, Andy, I think they see the real thing!

Pearl: Pearls, Pearls everywhere. I just love it! Happy Halloween everyone.! This is my kind of holiday!

Andy: That Miss Pearl…she always looks like she’s got a weeks worth of clothes on…it’s like she can’t decide what to wear, so she wears it all at once.

What do you think the perfect Christmas would be like? I’m not talking about a child‘s perfect Christmas. I’m talking about the perfect Christmas for adults without children.

Christmas is supposed to be made up of cookies, and trees, hot chocolate, dolls, and trains, moms and dads, grandmas and grandpas, cousins, aunts and uncles, candy canes, love and warmth, Christmas programs at churches and schools, baby Jesus….and… kids, lots of kids… and Santa Claus.

When you become an adult and have your own family, you carry on all those family traditions you grew up with, right?

Not necessarily….

Dear Murdo Girl Readers who might think I’m jumping the gun on Christmas.

Not necessarily…

This is an adult story suitable for all children. It will be posted most nights for the next two weeks…I hope you enjoy it.

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Thanksgivington’s Perfect Christmas

“Kitty where are you? I’m going to work now, I’ll see you tonight.”

“Meow”

“Please don’t be that way, Kitty. You have to find a way to turn your sad feelings into happy feelings. You’re making everyone around you sad.”

“Meow, meow, meow, meow…”

Sally didn’t have the time or the inclination to deal with Kitty right now. She had thirty minutes to walk the fifteen blocks to work; just enough time to forget about grumpy old Kitty, and collect her thoughts before she would be at the bakery.

Sally owns Sweet Sally’s Bakery  which is the only bakery in town. When she walked up to the door, she brushed the snow off her coat, and stomped her feet before going inside. There would soon be the comforting aroma of cinnamon rolls and freshly baked carrot cake wafting through the bakery. (Word of the day: wafting)

Sally could also feel excitement in the air. At long last, Thanksgivington was going to celebrate Christmas.

Its the first of November and the town of Thanksgivington is preparing for the first annual Christmas Extravaganza. The initial planning meeting had been held the night before in the Pellet Room at Betsy’s Cafe. It was decided that for their very first extravaganza the theme would be:

A Perfect Christmas

The whole town will put up Christmas displays, and all of their celebrations will be around the theme of a perfect Christmas.

At the planning meeting, everyone seemed the most excited about the Christmas Parade. Businesses and organizations will compete for the big prize, which will go to the entrant that best represents a perfect Christmas.

********************************************

Across Main Street, Tom has just arrived at his book store which he calls, Tom’s Books. He is deep in thought when Sylvia walks in and startles him. Tom is very hoppy, I mean jumpy.

“Oh goodness,Tom,…I didn’t mean to make you jump. I must be more careful. What were you so deep in thought about?”

“I was thinking about the theme for the Christmas extravaganza. It sounded great last night, but I don’t have a family, therefore I don’t have a perfect Christmas memory to draw from. Do you have any ideas, Sylvia?”

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On the corner of Main Street and Giving Street, sits Betsy’s Beauty Shop. Betsy is very artistic and well known for her original hare-dos. She, too , is scratching her head. (She has a little dandruff, but please don’t tell anyone.) Like everyone in town, she is wondering what she can put together that would best represent a perfect Christmas.

Such is the mood all over Thanksgivington. From the barber shop to the police station, and the café to the churches, everyone is wondering what best represents:

A Perfect Christmas

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There is something else you should know…There are no children in Thanksgivington. It wasn’t planned that way. Children would be welcome in Thanksgivington, but for some unknown reason, families with children don’t come to live in the pretty little town.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Saturday and there’s definitely something strange going on. Pearl has noticed Essie has been hanging around more than usual, and she’s determined to get to the bottom of it.

Pearl knocks on the door of the cat room. She knows Essie is in there and has been for the last couple of hours.

“Who’s there?” Ellie asks.

“It’s Pearl… I think the more appropriate thing to say since this is my home and not yours is, “Please come in. Now, please open the door.”

“Okay,…Jeez, Pearl, can’t a person and a dog have a little privacy?”

“Of course, but I need to know what your motives are.”

“My what?”

“Your motives… I can’t help but notice you have been over here a lot more lately. Every time I look around, I see you. I doubt Pearl the dog’s bathroom habits have changed that much so clue me in please.”

“I’m grounded and this is the only place Mom will let me go besides home. The only reason I can come here is because of my job.”

“Your grounded again? Good Grief, child…You don’t seem to be able to stay on the right side of the law. What did you do this time?”

“I think it’s Mom’s fault. She should’ve told me no when I asked her if I could ride my brother’s bike to Harold the Barber’s to get a haircut. My brother really likes that bike.”

“Anyway, I was preoccupied  by something on the way home and I wrecked his bike. It only scraped it up a little, and you can’t even see any damage on one whole side. The chain came off, but that’s an easy fix. The handle bars are kinda loose, but I like them that way. You can adjust them easier and make sharper turns.”

“So, you got grounded for making a pile of  metal and rubber out of your brother’s fancy bike?”

“Well, not exactly. When Mom got home, I was crying and I couldn’t stop.  I felt so bad, I even had those hiccups you get when you cry hard for a long time. Mom told me twice to stop crying and I really tried, but I was what you call, devastated. Mom got really nice and sat down beside me. She said she would have a talk with my brother and he probably wouldn’t be that mad, so I could quit crying over it now.”

“I must be missing something, here. It sounds like you were going to skate on this one.” Pearl really looked puzzled, and if it’s one thing Pearl really hates, it’s when she doesn’t have the whole story.

“I told Mom I wasn’t crying because I wrecked the bike, I was crying because I hate my haircut. Harold has a new guy working there part-time and just look what he did to me. I yelled at him too. I said, “It’s okay for me to have a little hair, buster!”

Well, Pearl told me I can’t stay in the cat room until my hair grows out, so we went to her apartment above the store. She said I needed a few lessons on how to leave well enough alone. I think that means, if things are going your way, keep your mouth shut. I’m staying over at Pearl and Grace’s as much as I can. At least til my brother cools down some. Pearl said I could keep coming over here, but she’s not going to pay me for hiding-out time.

We’re going to have another 4th of July parade this year. Mark has a horse named Prince, and I have a Shetland pony named Governor or Guv for short. I was so excited the day Dad and Swede drove up with a pony for me in the back of the truck. I love that horse even though he can be really stubborn. He also hates men.
His name is Governor Archie Francis. Archie Gubrud is the Governor of South Dakota.
The parade is really fun. We hook Prince up to a red wagon with a chair in it. I wear my red gown and a crown made out of tin foil and ride in the chair. We decorate Guv because he does NOT like to pull a wagon. All of the other kids dress up in red, white, and blue, then we March up and down all of the streets south of 16. People seem to like it. They would probably like it better if we had candy to throw to them, but we can’t afford it.
I remember a little about the parade Murdo had when we celebrated the bicentennial. I was only 4 1/2 in June of 1956 and I remember that Kitty Reynolds made me an old fashioned dress and bonnet. Billy was almost 13. He said that Francis Plumbing & Heating had a float with an outhouse on it. One of the workers was looking through a hole in the back of it and the sign said, “We stand behind all of our work.” I wish I could remember that, it must have been so much fun.

One day my cousin Valerie and I decided to play Rawhide. Valerie rode Mark’s horse Prince and I rode Guv out to Aske’s ranch where they have a bunch of milk cows. We were having so much fun herding, that we decided to spend the night. I volunteered to ride back to town and get some supplies like food and matches. I already had the saddle off Governor because he was pretty hot, so I rode bareback. The ride was a lot farther than I thought it was going to be. I really didn’t feel like riding all of the way back, so I went to my cousin Mark’s to play. It didn’t seem like such a big deal until I saw Aunt Ella, (Valerie’s Mom), drive up in her pink car. She was looking for Valerie and when I told her that she was at Aske’s ranch, she said to get in the car. Well, I must have forgotten that Valerie had both saddles, so she just couldn’t have hopped on Prince and ridden back. It would have been hard to find my saddle if she’d left it there.

Brave little Valerie
We found out that people don’t really like you to herd their milk cows around, so we’re not going to do that again anyway.

Not so brave little MG
I wrote this letter to my parents. I had to sell Governor several years after this photo was taken. I eventually got too big for him. The other girl in the picture is Betty Reiners. Her parents had a restaurant where the Buffalo Bar is now. I think it was called Don’s Diner.
Thank you lady, for letting me write about my horse. It got my mind off my dangerously mean brother.

Well, I decided I would try out Pearl’s gossip lesson and go back to Mrs. Stones’ house and get some dirt on her. I sure hoped Pearl was right because I sure did not want to pull more weeds.

There was one thing Pearl’s plan didn’t account for.

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“Hi, Mrs. Stone…I came back to pull those weeds in your garden; the few little ones that I missed yesterday.

“Well just don’t stand there, Ellie, come in. I don’t have much time to direct you. My bridge club will be here in just a few minutes. Get one of those paper bags in the pantry and fill it with the weeds you pull. Now get to it Ellie. Why are you just standing there with that dumb look on your face?”

I told Harold the barber to cut my hair short, and he did.

That’s the mean thing, I thought. The bridge club coming over could be a hot potato, but I decided to move forward with Pearl’s plan.

“Are the bridge club ladies the ones that don’t like you very much?”

“What on earth are you talking about, “Ellie? Who told you that?”

“Um..I think we both know who spreads gossip around this town.”

My mom played bridge

Mrs. Stone had a horrified look on her face just like Pearl the human said she would, but she didn’t tell me I didn’t have to pull the weeds, and I really didn’t think she would offer to pull them herself with all those women here. I was going to have to wing it!

The ladies started arriving then so I waited. Mrs. Stone saw me standing there and told me to go do what I came to do.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll go pull those weeds, so you won’t make poor Mr. Stone go out there and pull them. Do you have some cold lemonade so I can go out and sit on your bench and drink it? Those cookies sure look good, too.”

“You are one strange child, Ellie.”

Then a bridge lady spoke up. “Well, Helen Stone, did you get involved in the Methodist Church fundraiser? I heard most of the kids were on the lazy side. They had to be prodded to do anything. It was so good of you to give this girl a chance to do it right. Young lady, you need a few lessons in etiquette. You do not ask for refreshments and you definitely do not take a refreshment break before you have even started your work.”

She’s mean too, I thought. Pearl didn’t account for two ladies being mean to me.

“Mrs. Martin,” I said. “I heard your husband is henpecked.”

It worked again! Mrs. Martin looked horrified; just like Pearl said. All of a sudden, Mrs. Stone took me by the ear and marched me to the door. “You may leave now,” she said. “I would rather pull the weeds myself than deal with the likes of you, young lady.”

I couldn’t wait to tell Pearl the human all about my experience with her gossip lesson. I decided to walk Pearl the dog a little later.

I like now, now is good!

“Hi Pearl, I came right over here to tell you what happened with Mrs. Stone. I said exactly what you told me to say and guess what? I didn’t have to pull one weed. Mrs. Stone said she would do it. There is one thing though…She didn’t offer me a cold glass of lemonade and a cookie.”

I like cookies

“I knew it,” Pearl said. (I’ve never seen Pearl so excited.)

“I’ll have to think up some more life lessons to teach you, Essie. Living in this world takes know how and if it’s one thing old Pearl has, it’s know how!”

“Do you know anything about etiquette Pearl? One of the bridge club ladies who was at Mrs. Stones’ house said I could use a few lessons on etiquette.”

“Boy, Pearl the dog, Pearl the human sure was puffing away on that air cigarette when we left. She just doesn’t seem herself. Where should we go on our walk? How about Mrs. Stones’ house to see if anybody pulled those weeds.’

Okay Ellie, but it’s getting pretty dark. Do you think she’ll give us a cookie?

Rerun part 1

This is Ellie/Essie…

If I swore, I’d say every curse word I know right now. If I threw fits, I would lay down on the floor and kick and scream. I don’t know how that woman could be so mean.

The old Methodist Church in Murdo, South Dakota. The parsonage is next to it.

You see the Methodist Church had a fundraiser. All of us kids had to work for someone who paid us by the hour. We had to work for eight hours and all the money goes to the youth program. I got hired by mean Mrs. Stone. She made me do things a two hundred pound man could barely do.

I was too fast at my work. That’s what it was. I washed all of her dirty windows inside and out. I pulled the weeds in her garden and worst of all, I had to clean out her refrigerator. Now I’ve got to go take Pearl the dog for a walk if my poor little wobbly stick legs will let me.

*****************

“Hi Pearl, I came to take Pearl the dog for a walk.”

Can we go see my frog friend?

“Well ,Essie…you look like you could go bear hunting with a stick. What or who has gotten you so worked up?”

“Working for Mrs. Stone has me all worked up. She never let me rest once except for the fifteen minutes it took me to choke down a minced ham sandwich. When I took the last bite, she smacked her hands and said, up, up, up…time to get back to work! Then she got really mean.”

“Tell me, Essie. I just love to hear gossip. When I had my beauty shop, I’d have a woman on each side of me shooting gossip into my ears. Oh how I miss that. I don’t get to talk to many people now except Grace and she tells me everything twice and comes up way short on the details. Gossiping is an art you know. One of these days I’ll teach you how to get people to spill everything they know, or think they know, and you won’t have to give up a thing. Now, what was the really mean thing she did?”

“When I got ready to leave, Mrs. Stone said I might have to come over again tomorrow. I said to her… no way, Mrs. Stone, that’s not how it works. Then she said she was going to have to deduct an hour’s pay on her check to the church. When I asked her why, she said it was because I didn’t get all the weeds out of her garden, and Mr. Stone would be upset because he would have to do it. It’s not fair Pearl,”

“You have got to get some dirt on that woman, Essie, that’s all there is to it. Now go take Pearl the dog for a walk. When you get back, I’ll give you a couple of quick lessons.”

Pearl’s Gossip Lesson

Listen closely, Essie, and you will have that mean Mrs. Stone right where you want her. If she has told you something secretive about herself, she won’t cross you ever again. It will be worth it for you to go over there tomorrow. When she says something mean to you, and she will, you say this:

“I sure don’t see why several of the ladies in town aren’t partial to you Mrs. Stone. I think you’re real nice.” Then smile your sweetest smile, just don’t laugh when you see the look on her face.

“Then what do I do, Pearl?”

You say, “Now, show me those weeds in your garden that I missed. I’ve heard from reliable sources that several of your friends think Mr. Stone is henpecked and I wouldn’t want to add fuel to the fire… if you know what I mean.”

“See Essie… it’s nothing you can’t do. You’ll be a natural.”

“Then what do I say Pearl?” I was really starting to get into this gossip lesson.

“Nothing. You won’t have to. She will be so upset she’ll spill the beans on every gossip friend she has. She’ll say things like, I bet I know who said that! It was Ethel, well let me tell you a thing or two about Ethel..bla,bla,bla,bla. Then you have to close the secret transaction.”

“What’s a secret transaction, Pearl?”

You say, “Well, I guess I should get started on those weeds now so poor Mr. Jones doesn’t have to do it. It’s not in my nature to cheat the church either.”

“Do you mean I’m still going to have to pull the weeds, Pearl?

“Not a chance. Mrs. Jones will probably say something like this. Oh no, dear. You sit right here and I will get you a nice cold glass of lemonade and one of the cookies I baked for Mr. Jones. You must call us Charles and Cecilia…I’ll pull the weeds.

One more thing, Essie. When she tries to get out of you who told you all that gossip, you say…I think we both know who told me those terrible things that you told them. It’s just awful how people spread gossip they hear on the grapevine.

” I can’t wait for you to tell me how it goes tomorrow, Essie. Wasn’t that a great lesson? I should have been a mother. I believe my mothering instincts have gone to waste all these years.

The Beauty Shop is a great place to hear good gossip

Murdo Girl is up early. Actually, she hardly got any sleep. Counting sheep didn’t help because she kept seeing those mangy big horn sheep that live in the Real Bad Lands. That wasn’t very sleep inducing.

The gang had only been there one night and they were all getting bored. A bored MG was one thing, but a bored gang was yet another. They couldn’t go on the twenty-four scenic drives because the Cowboy was the only one with transportation. They’d been to all the scenic overlooks they could walk to, and the hiking trails were out of the question. MG was beginning to feel a sense of forbording. That’s the feeling you get right before boredom sets in. It’s different than foreboding Then there’s the afterbording. After, afterbording… boredom is pretty much irreversible. MG’s right eye began to twitch.

Uh, Oh…here comes the biggest complainer of all.

MG: What’s up Queen E.? You’re kind of overdressed, but nice camo.

Queen E: Did you know that the temperature in the Real Bad Lands ranges from 116 to minus 40? I like to dress in layers. That way I can remove an item of clothing as the weather warms up.

Hedda and Hopper (overhearing the Queen): Did you say you take off an item of clothing every time it gets a few degrees warmer? What do you call that game? It sounds like fun. Do you play with chips? Do you have to put your clothes back on if it starts getting colder or can we bring a hot toddy.

Here comes the next biggest complainer, the town crier.

MG: Hi TC…what are you boo hooing about this time?

TC: (sniff) Some starving and vicious wild animal stole my brand new cheese head. I think it was a wolf or a puma. It might have been a panther or a coyote. I put it in a safe place too. It was on my head.

PG: (aka, Sherri the drawer). Oh, quiet down TC. I saw a prairie dog run off with it.

Why do you squeeze Squeeze’s head so hard, TC? It might be like a pimple and burst.

Squeeze: It already did twice, but it grew back. Are you stuck on those rocks, PG or are you floating around in the sky?

Lav: Sorry I’m late…jet lag from my trip to Europe! I overslept. I had this terrible nightmare that I was in this horrible place with snakes and groundhogs and a gang of something. It was so terrible and I…(as she looks around and sees everybody staring at her)…What?

MG: Yes, we know you went to Europe, Lav. Now, I have something to tell all of you…what KK?

KK: I want to change my name MG. I’ve outgrown Kodak Kadoka. I’m not in amateur town anymore, if you catch my meaning.

MG: No KK. I don’t know what you mean. You don’t outgrow your name…do you?

KK: Sure you do MG; especially if it’s a name like Kodak Kadoka. Look at Cassius Clay…he was a CC before he became Muhammad Ali.

MG: Okay blank, blank…what is your new name?

Surissuse: Surissuse It’s short for sunrise, sunset. I have a new look too. I’m going to float like a butterfly.

MG: Oh, no…just what I need. Here comes the snooty snouts.

AI: We don’t like our heads up here in the clouds. There’s a strange person up here just floating around…says her name is Surissuse.

Patticake: Cherry pie anyone? Today I made it shaped like a cake with cherries on top…clever huh?

The Dean’s 66 guys: Well guys it’s either her cake or fried rattlesnake…or baked prairie dog smothered in melted cheese head.

The Cowboy : Well, this is the last time I’ll take a transportationless, foodless, moneyless gang to the Real Bad Lands. They’re all a bunch of whiners.

The Phantom Wrangler: I hear ya Cowboy. This is the last time I’ll join a gang. I thought I was going to be in a real bad outlaw gang. I’d rather wear a white hat. If you’re looking for a phantom wrangler, I’ll be on the right side of the law from now on.

 

 Doc: Well, Matt, I think I’m on the right.

Matt: You’re on MY left Doc…he’s on MY right. Looks like he’s riding off.

Wait cute phantom! We’re floating as fast as we can.