Those 70ish Girls

 I’m missing Murdo. I’ve been trying to think of someone else Yram could interview there. She’s been complaining because she thinks you all see her in a bad light because she kind of botched the interviews with Mr. Thune, Coach Applebee (twice), Mrs. Peters, and Mr. Palmer. Geez, that’s a lot of interviews to mess up. I think she should have one more chance to redeem herself, but as far as the bad light goes..take your gifts where you can get ’em Yram. Bad lights can be a good thing.

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None of us knew it at the time, but Yram was actually at the all school reunion. She was in one of her disguises, but we should have known it was her when she talked, because of her nasal voice. Crack up reporters should not have a nasal voice. I’ve got to hand it to her though, she’s got hudspa.

Who will she corner first? Looks like it’s  Dean Lindquist.

Yram: Hi Mr. Lindquist, my name is Yram Sicnarf and I’m a crack up reporter from Gun Barrel City, Texas. Mind if I ask you a few questions?

Dean: Do you mind? I was just getting ready to blow out the candles on my birthday cake.

Yram: Oh, sorry. Sure go ahead and blow them out. I think I’ll stand back a little. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many burning candles. Do you think I could have a glass of water or maybe some of that punch over there? I’m getting a little warm.

Dean: Were you invited to my party? I don’t remember the name Sicnarf. Who was your Dad? Did you ever work at Dean’s Philip 66 station? ( You would think I was talking to Lynn Brost Miles..If she doesn’t recognize you, she wants to know who your Dad is.)

Yram: Uh, well I  kind of worked there. I mean I hung out there a lot. Does that count? I must have been accidentally overlooked when the invites were mailed out. You sure had some cuties working there. Whooee! Where is that cold punch? It is really warm in here.

Dean ignores Yram while he blows out his candles and everyone sings Happy Birthday. Someone must have given her some punch, because Yram seems happy as a crack up reporter,  from Texas can look.

Yram: Excuse me Mr. Dean, you asked about my Dad. Well, Mom never told him about me. About my being a crack up reporter, I mean. It’s really a sad story if you’d like to hear it. It all happened….

Dean: (Interrupting Yram’s story.) I really hate to be rude, but there are a lot of people here to wish me a happy birthday. A bunch of my guys who worked at the station are here and I’d like to spend some time with them.

Yram: Shuuurre you do. I’ll just come with you. I’ll be reeeaal quiet. You won’t even know I’m there (hicup). Who are those four cute guys over there?

Dean: Their names are Don Edwards and Eddie Jackson. There are only two of them Miss. Now, I’m going to go talk to them. You can come with me if you don’t say a word.

Yram shakes her head indicating she won’t talk.

Dean walks up to the guys and they all shake hands and start reminiscing about working at the station. Don and Eddie are really fond of Dean and are sharing lots of good memories. Well, it’s just so emotional, Yram starts to sniffle…but she doesn’t say a word.

Eddie: Who is that Dean? She looks a little familiar. I remember something about seeing her in a dim light. Or maybe I just remember her dimness.

 

Don: HaHa…That’s funny Eddie She looks vaguely familiar to me too. Her dimness, kind of like a dim her highness..Hahaha. Where’s your crown Your Dimness?

UhOh, I bet he lives to regret that remark!

Yram doesn’t speak because she’s a rule follower, but what’s this? She’s holding up a sign. It says, “I got gas at the station once. U2 R Cute..

Dean:  Her name is Yram Sicnarf. She says she’s a crack up reporter from Gun Barrel City, Texas. I told her not to talk. She was really getting on my nerves and her voice is so nasally.  Just don’t ask her about her Dad. It sounds like a long story.

Yram tugs on Dean’s sleeve and whispers something to him. 

Dean: She wants me to ask you boys if you’ll be at the dance later?

Eddie and Don decide to say yes, because they know she’s easy to ditch. They remember her now. She was someone they ditched once.

And it better never happen again..Oh, sorry, I just got caught up in the story

 

Yram moves on to find another fascinating person to interview. She needs to get away from Dean so she is allowed to talk. Maybe there will be someone seated close to the punch bowl.

Yram: Hi there..Have we met? My name is Yram Sicnarf and I’m a crack up, cracker jack reporter from Rifle Butt, TX..or is it Sling Shot? Let’s just say I live in a dangerous place.

Lady by the punch: I’ve been a risk taker all of my life. I’ve been known to slide down cellar doors. I got 20 slivers once. I put them in my scrap book.  FYI..that punch is packing a punch. Maybe you should have a cold beer instead.

Yram: Oh, no thank you, I don’t drink. Do they have food here? You know what I’m hungry for? Wedding cake… I usually have wedding cake when I have punch. Now why are we here?

Later that evening Dean is talking to his daughters, Karen, Kim and Tammy. After enjoying a wonderful evening of food and friendship, the guests have all departed.

Dean: Did you see that girl who was here earlier. Yram Sicnarf was her name. She was kind of strange. I didn’t see her leave.

Karen: She didn’t leave.

Dean: What?

Kim: She and some girl named Lav are out front. You know that convertible that Dave Geisler let us borrow for Murdo Girl to ride in the parade tomorrow? They are both sitting in it. They won’t leave. They both have crowns on.

Tammy is cleaning up as she listens to Dean and her sisters talking. Wow! That punch sure got drained. I filled it up three times. She sniffs the air…What is burning she wonders.

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Yram: Hey Lav..Don’t ya just love Murdo? Where else can you go and be treated like such royalty? I wish I had another piece of that wedding cake…and a little more punch.

Lav: Can I stay in this car all night Yram? I love this car. I like you to Yram. Even if you live in crack up, Texas.

 

Both Yram and Lav sit back and enjoy the beautiful night…and watch the M burn.

 

Murdo is all a buzz. The town darling, Murdo Girl, is officially Next Pres, and Lav is NVP, (Next Vice Pres). You must be asking yourself, “Now what?!” Apparently, you are not the only one.

Yram Sicnarf, fresh from her trip to “Back to the Future,” is at the Campground Compound speaking with Murdo Girl.

Yram: So Murdo Girl, now that you are officially Next Pres, are you planning to take some time off for a little staycation?

MG: What? I can’t do a State of the Nation Speech yet! Is this off the record Yram, or are you here in your crack up interviewer capacity?

Yram: Actually, (full disclosure), people are live streaming right now.

MG: Really? Are they catching anything?

Yram: As a crack up investigative reporter, I do a lot of social networking. The signal is always pretty strong here.

MG: Well, if they’re having to use a net, I’m glad it’s working. That means the big ones are getting hooked. By strong signal, are you referring to the noon whistle?

Yram: More like addicted Murdo Girl. Almost everyone has 3 or 4 devices. Someone needs to blow the whistle on all of the nefarious activity going on.

MG: It isn’t noon yet. The whistle doesn’t blow til noon. We all have vices Yram. It doesn’t mean everyone is having an affair. What do you mean us? Do you know something I don’t ?

Yram and Murdo Girl both look a little confused, but not nearly as confused as the person with the cockeyed crown coming toward them.

Lav: I just had the weirdest dream. I was a volleyball player in the Olympics and I couldn’t get the ball over the net. I felt like such a loser. I guess it’s cause we lost.

MG: We didn’t lose Lav.  I’m sorry you had such a bad dream, are you okay now?

Lav: Yup..In my dream, I talked to the sports psychologist. She told me to go home and take a Zumba class. I heard SCS (Sioux City Sue), is facilitating a” Zumba to the Oldies” class at the Harold Thune Auditorium. Or is it “Zumba for the Oldies?” Either way off I go..bye. Oh wait! I forgot my iPod so I can listen to my fav earworm.

MG: Ya know Yram, I think it’s time I called a meeting. I want to inform the team of their new cabinet positions. People need direction. Maybe with some direction, there won’t be so much confusion going on here.

Yram: Good idea MG. Like the Queen always says, around here confusion reigns. She does like that Bling though.

MG: Bling? Who is Bling? Is he trying to be nefarious with the Queen?

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Later that evening, most of NP Murdo Girl’s entourage is finally back at the Campground Compound. They’re all full from eating beans and franks, and a few leftover hard boiled chickens that Jerry couldn’t sell.

 

Murdo Girl decides to take her book and a flashlight and read by the campfire. A I, and the Town Crier are sitting there listening to Carol sing.

A I: What are you reading Murdo Girl?

MG: The dictionary. No matter how many times I read it, that crack up reporter Yram comes up with a word I don’t know. Do you think the encyclopedia would be more up to date?

A I: Is Yram threatening to unfriend you MG? She thinks she’s so smart with all her “mental floss.”

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And so ends another day at the Murdo Girl Campground Compound. Soon, NP Murdo Girl will be announcing her cabinet. Will “Other Murdoites” join the team? It should be interesting, but it might not be. Let’s hope it is.

Just remember….If you snooze you lose.

 

 

 

I have written in great detail about the Sanderson side of my family, so I thought I would tell you a little more about the Francis family. My Dad, Bill Francis, was the only son to come back to Murdo after the war. It seems that during WWII, most of the family, with the exception of my Uncle Chuck Francis, settled in California. Chuck lived with his family in New York.

I have written a poem of sorts about my Grandma Connie, (as I heard her called), but first I would like to tell you a cute story my Dad told me about his Mother.

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Dad (little Bill), had 2 brothers. John was was older, and Charles (Chuck), a little over 5 years younger. One day Grandma Connie was getting frustrated with Chuck, who was probably 2 at the time. little Bill heard her say, “I would sell this baby for 5 cents right now!” Hearing this, little Bill went to his piggy bank and took out a nickel. He presented his payment to his Mother and said he was buying baby Chuck. Grandma took his payment, and they shook hands on the deal. Together they packed up all of Chuck’s things and moved him to little Bill’s room.

Hardly any time had gone by when here came little Bill with the baby and all his things. He said he had changed his mind and wanted his nickel back. Grandma gave him his nickel and advised him to be very careful of a deal that sounds “too good to be true.”

In all the photos except when she was very young, Grandma Connie looks like a Grandma.  I don’t mean that she looked old, but you have to admit we Grandmothers now don’t wear house dresses and sturdy black shoes. She was a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution, and quite the feminist for those days. She even had the word “obey” taken out of the vows of her first marriage. She changed her name from Content to Constance as noted below each of the photos.

I was named after both Grandmothers. Mary after Mary Sanderson, and Constance after Grandma Connie. (Mom called me Mary Content if she was super upset with me.)

Constance Francis Bowers

She lived before me, her years were few, this woman that I never knew.

I didn’t know her, but knew of her, Constance was my Father’s Mother.

I’ve seen her pictures from way back then, and letters that she sometimes penned.

Her husband died and went to heaven. My Father William was only seven.

Son Charles was 2, John only 10. These boys were hers alone to tend.

She owned a hardware store in Murdo, and tried her best to make it go.

No time to grieve, she worked long hours. Then Constance Francis wed William Bowers.

William had lost his children’s Mother, and until Connie, had loved no other.

By all accounts they got along. There’s was a union described as strong.

Dad Bowers and Connie, six kids in tow, lived fifteen years above the Depot

Life was good, but there were fears, for these were the depression years.

The small rooms above the railroad station, had no plumbing for the duration.

The heat was from two old coal stoves. They carried water to wash their clothes.

The years went by, the children grew, then they were faced with World War II.

Most of the six stayed way out West, after the war, they thought it best.

Charles the youngest, Connie’s pride, got a furlough when Dad Bowers died.

It was 1943, it seemed California was the place to be.

In 46, after the war, Connie sold Francis hardware store.

To California she made her way, where son Charles attended UCLA

She made a home for Charles and his friends, but far too soon her story ends

She made plans to visit Murdo, but got too sick and couldn’t go.

1948 was the year she died. Her son Charles was by her side.

She was only 59. I am her family and she was mine.

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Bill Francis, an Army Engineer, later chose a plumbing career.

He married Loretta  and settled down, they raised two children in their hometown.

John chose teaching as his career path; moved to Pasadena, and taught High School Math.

Bob, Bev , and Margarete, were the nicest people you could ever meet.

In California, they built their lives; Margarete with her husband, Bob and Bev with their wives.

Barbara and Charles, the youngest of all, lived in New York and raised Abby and Paul.

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All of us are God’s creations, and our families span the generations.

Remember family… where it all starts, and they’ll live forever in your hearts

The Francis family in New York for Uncle Chucks funeral…The part of the Depot at the Pioneer Auto Museum.

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Yesterday was Kip’s birthday. I asked him what he wanted for his birthday dinner, and he suggested Denny’s. I was beyond exhausted, but..it was his birthday. I had a tasty sirloin steak, red potatoes, Caesar salad, grilled squash, and a dinner roll. Kip had 2 pancakes and 2 eggs. The pancakes were huge and he couldn’t finish them, so instead of desert, I ate the last few bites.

She always eats her food, then tries to get everybody elses

I think my huge appetite is directly related to all the driving I’ve had to do. Kip’s back surgery was 7 weeks ago and I’ve had to drive him everywhere. We went to Athens to renew his driver’s license and to Dallas twice this week. I drove him to Dallas yesterday for his check-up with the surgeon.

The drive wasn’t as bad as some have been. I only had to yell at him twice. Once was when I was trying to pull out and cross 2 lanes of traffic. He said, ” You can go…right after this next car goes by.” Too late! Hang on to your back brace!  Thankfully, the other car had good brakes!” Try saying that in a different way,” I asked. “Like this. After this next car goes by, then.. you can go.

The other day, Kip sort of raised his voice at me. He said, “Look-out!” What does that mean to you? Does it mean to stop…or go? I did both. My car also has good brakes.

The Doctor finally lifted the “no driving” ban yesterday, but we had my car, so I went ahead and drove home anyway. I told Kip it would probably be a good idea for him to gradually get used to driving again. He said, “So what should  I do?  Go sit in the car for a while on the first day? Then the next day, maybe I can  back out to the end of the driveway.” That was the second time I yelled at him.

When we got home, Kip went into the house, got the keys to his pick-up truck, and drove it to the car wash. His truck has been sitting in the garage for 7 weeks. My car is filthy. Technically that would have been the 3rd time I yelled at him, but it doesn’t count. He was backing out of the driveway and couldn’t hear me.

Apparently Kip doesn’t remember our discussion from a few years ago. I said to him, “Have you ever noticed when couples get older, the little old woman drives the little old man around?” He nodded his head in agreement. “If you’re not nice to me,” I said. “You are not going  anywhere!”

I might sound mean, but I’m not. I have a gift that not many people possess. I can yell without raising my voice.  I’ve found the louder my voice, the less people hear me. The downside is, sometimes I have to say things more than once.

 

We took Driver’s Education together. We can drive a stick shift.

 

I taught them in Driver’s Ed..They purposely turned the corners really fast. I should have worn a seatbelt. That’s the real reason I can’t stand up. They should have named a road after me too. ” Applebee Drive.” I like that!

 

How upset do you think everyone would be if something totally unforeseen happened regarding the election? I’m not saying anything will happen, but it could you know. I read the Murdo Coyote’s take on the whole mess of an election, and it got me to thinking. After things calm down a bit, I’m not saying right this minute or anything, but later, maybe tomorrow, folks might put it all together and start talking. You know what happens when folks start talking.

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Tomorrow

Let’s start at the Jones County Jailhouse. Barney, Otis and..( I look around and see there is no and.) Guess what Deputy Barney Fife is doing?  He’s pacing..stopping only to sniff or pull up on his pants. Well, mostly sniffing. He only tugs on his pants when he’s all impressed with himself..

Barney: I was there, and I still don’t know what happened. I got 299 delegate/votes/whatever…I needed 300 to tie with the likes of Murdo Girl. Now what does that tell you?

Otis: It tells me you lost Barney.

Barney: Otis…That is not what I’m gettin at..One delegate/voter/whatever didn’t delegate/vote/whatever!

It has been a long day with the foreclosure sale and all the other Courthouse steps stuff going on and Otis is kind of brain dead. I mean his brains are fried. 

The jailhouse door opens, and in walks some of Murdo Girl’s peeps. Yes, none other than A I (MG’s Aggressive Informant), and Sherri (MG’s Photographic Drawer.) A I speaks first.

A I: Say Baaaaarney, Sherri and I decided we’d come over and see what’s going on at the Lone Wolf Campaign Headquarters. The Courthouse Presser broke up kind of early, so we just wanted to come on over here and see how you’re all doin after getting the bad news about you being a loser. Uh, we thought Sheriff Duke might be here.

Barney: I haven’t seen Sheriff Duke since he handed my 299 votes to Miss Brookes. Barney gets all bugged-eyed like he does. I don’t think you came all the way over here to exchange pleasantries. Do you wanna know what I think Miss A I?  I think  you spell trouble. I like your hat, but I don’t like the way you look at me.

A I: How can you tell I’m even looking at you? I don’t ever take my dark shades off. Isn’t that right Sherri?

Sherri: I just draw what I’m told to photograph. I don’t worry about eyes and colors an stuff. Am I supposed to draw something here A I? Last time I drew over here, I wasn’t exactly sure what those Good Time Girls were supposed to look like.

A I: WhatOh..

Barney: WhatOhWhat? When were you over here photographic drawing? I think I know what’s going on here..Do you think I don’t know what’s going on here? Well, I do! You two better explain yourselves or old Deputy Fife might just have to do some interrigatin. I’d like to know how you got your hands on a picture of some guy that looks like me standing with the Good Time Girls. I would remember that occasion don’t you think? I don’t remember nothing like it.

A I: Don’t talk anymore Sherri. You’re not paid to talk. You’re paid to draw.

Sherri: I don’t get paid A I, unless you count potato chips and pencils. That Jerry is a sorry bean counter if you ask me. He told me he doesn’t know beans about making beans, he’s just supposed to count beans.

Otis: You’re all wearing me out. I’m going into my cell to take a nap.

Barney: Hold it right there Otis. You were here the other day when Miss Sherri was here. I want you to tell me everything you saw, and don’t leave nothin out.

Otis: Well, I saw some people comin in and out?

Barney: What people?

Otis: Well, first one and then another.

A I: Now Otis, you didn’t see a thing. You were too busy looking out the window at the zoo animals weren’t ya?

Sometimes, when Otis stays over he sees Barney’s dog named Wolf and thinks he’s at the zoo. It has something to do with the bars on the window.

Barney: Say no more Otis. I’ll get to the bottom of this. As long as I’ve been the long arm of the law around here, I have never betrayed the public trust. I cannot let a crime go unsolved. I’m Barney the copper and big crime stopper.

(Now Barney is tugging on his pants because he thinks he’s all that!)

A I: I got nothing to say.

So, we have four people here and none of them are talking. Let’s go on over to The Coyote Campground Compound. I don’t know why, but let’s just do it.

Looks like we did the right thing. Murdo Girl is speaking to a small group of supporters. Actually, when you’re in a small town like Murdo, sometimes the supporters and the reporters are one in the same. Even though there’s only one person there, you could actually think of it as two. Anyway, Treason is there. She has looked at her watch 4 times in 5 minutes. Now she’s shaking it to see if it’s still running. Guess Murdo Girl’s comments are running a little over. 

Murdo Girl: and in closing, I would just like to say, I’m down with the people. I’ve got fire in the belly. Read my lips. No new taxes. Ask not what Murdo can do for you. Ask what you can do for Murdo, and all that other original stuff. Now I’ve got to go find out what I’m supposed to do next. Will someone wake Lav up and brief her? She’s got to be ready to take over should anything happen to me.

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The way I look at it… Barney just might be the victim of some dirty politics. On the other hand, the election is over so, too bad, so sad. There is one other little hanging chad…Who didn’t cast their vote? Should Barney demand a recount? Where did Sheriff Duke run off to?

I guess a Next Pres has gotta do, what a Next Pres has gotta do. Whatever that is.. 

The Coyote County Convention and The Lone Wolf Convention are at long last behind us. The votes have all been counted and recorded. Yet with all that, the winner and candidate for Next Pres is still unknown. Murdo has 300 eligible delegate/ voters, who each have 2 votes. Murdo Girl has secured 300. If everyone voted instead of “sitting this one out,” and if the absenteeism votes all got to the Registrar’s office in time, the best that Barney can hope for, is a tie. (Barney’s convention got messy which is why his votes got in just under the wire.) No one has thought about what happens in the case of a tie, but it’s been made clear there can be only one candidate to emerge from this perfect storm. Only one will go on the ballot with The Donald and Hillary. So who is it going to be?

The Town Crier cried out an announcement this morning. The cry was to advise the good citizens of Murdo of a press conference to be held on the Courthouse steps at 2:00 p.m. (Give or take a little due to the foreclosure auction which starts at 1:00 o’clock.)

It’s now 2:00 p.m. and all those chomping at the bit to witness this historical event, appear to be here. It looks like quite a crowd.  Murdo Girl and her VP pick, Lav, are seated to the right of the podium. Maybe it’s just me but, should they be wearing their crowns? Barney will be announcing his VP pick, if he needs one; which he won’t if he doesn’t get 300 votes. He is sitting to the left of the podium next to an empty chair.

Here comes Our Miss Brookes, the Registrar, headed to the podium.

Our Miss Brookes: The Office of the Registrar, for the County of Jones, in the town of Murdo is prepared to announce the candidate who has the sufficient number of delegate/ votes to be our nominee for Next Pres. Hhhm (clears throat.) As has been widely reported, Murdo girl has received 300 votes. Now, may I please have the envelope with the results of The Lone Wolf delegate/vote. I said, May I please have the envelope with the results of the Lone Wolf delegate/vote!!!

Barney: jumps up:…Oh for crying out loud! who has the envelope?

At which point the Town Crier starts boohooing. 

Town Crier: Did someone say for crying out loud? Okay, I will…Why am I crying?

Suddenly!! The crowd parts, you can hear murmurs and mumbling among the mass of people in the Courthouse courtyard.

A familiar voice says: I do.

Everyone watches and claps as… who before their wondering eyes should appear?  Sheriff Duke, we think.

Sheriff Duke: Hold your horses Pilgrim lady Brookes. By the way are you related to Our Miss Brookes? I worked with her on a movie once. Never mind, we’ll talk later. The folks are getting mighty restless. He then hands the envelope with the results of the Lone Wolf delegate/voters tally to Registrar Brookes.

Our Miss Brookes: Ahem… Well, Hi Duke. How’s life been treatin ya? Does anyone have a letter opener? (Just kidding.) She Puts on her readers and ever so slowly opens the envelope, in which all of our futures may rest.

The final tally for Deputy Barney Fife, the candidate for the Lone Wolf party is…………….299. Yes Deputy Barney Fife received 299 votes. I hereby declare Murdo Girl with the Coyote party the winner! She will be smashing glass ceilings as the first ever Coyote candidate running for Next Pres. (Plus she’s a girl.)

Sheriff Duke: Wait just a minute little Pilgrim lady…You’re forgetting one thing.

(Just kidding??) We shall see what we shall see.

This is me..don’t even think about hurting me. I have friends in high places.

 

 

 

The year is 1961. Its the summer before the little Murdo Girl starts the fourth grade. Her brother Billy is working in California for the summer, but he will be back in the fall to begin his Senior year of high school.

The little Murdo Girl is straddled on a barrel that hangs between two trees on the lot between her Grandparent’s house and her Aunt and Uncle’s home where her cousin Mark lives. It’s early morning and while she’s waiting for the neighborhood kids to get there, she’s thinking about all the things they will do today. School just got out yesterday and this is the first day of summer vacation. Her thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a car pulling into her Grandpa’s driveway. The car doesn’t look like any car she’s seen before. It reminds her of her Uncle’s Jeep, but it’s a sparkly gray color and the tires are a lot different.

While she’s watching, a woman and a little girl get out of the Jeep- like car. The woman is walking toward the house. The little girl is walking toward Murdo Girl. It appears that the girls are about the same age.

MG is the first to speak: Hi…Did you and your Mom come to visit Grandpa and Grandma Sanderson?

The other little girl: Yes, my Mom just wanted to drop off a few things, but then we’re going swimming. What’s your name?

MG: My name is Mary, but people call me MG. What’s yours?

Other girl: My name is Yram. I don’t live here. I live in Texas. Mom used to live here and she thought it would be good for me if we came for a visit. Are you all by yourself here?

MG: Yeah, but I’m just waiting for all the kids to get here so we can play. I hope we play tag first.

Yram: Don’t you mean hashtag? You must tweet.

MG looking somewhat bewildered: No..We play tag. You know, one person is it. They hide their eyes and count backwards while everyone else runs and hides. When the time is up, the “it” kid looks for everyone else. When”it” finds another kid, and gets close enough to hit them, that kid is “it” and it starts over. It’s really fun!

I pat…..I pat…..I sorta pat……She hits

MG: I’m going to walk across the street to Suzanne and Cynthia’s house. They probably slept late or they have to do some chores first.

We hit…We pat the pony…We used to hit, but we don’t anymore

Yram: Why don’t you just text them? I don’t want to stay here alone, and I don’t want to go inside. Mom said they just have a black and white TV and no Internet.

MG: You talk kind of funny. Is that because you live in Texas? Grandpa Sanderson has lots of nets, so I’m sure he has an internet.  I don’t go near a textbook in the summer, and I only read books when it’s raining, or when it’s dark and I have to go inside. Rats, I forgot to bring my dress-up clothes.

Yram: RATS? DID YOU SEE A RAT? Why are you going to dress up?

MG: What? What’s wrong with you? You’re talking like you’re crazy. Are you plumb loco? I’ll see you later. MG starts to walk across the street.

Yram: Wait MG. I don’t want to stay here by myself, but if I’m going to stay outside, I have to put on sunscreen so I don’t get skin cancer. Do you know what time it is? I left my cell in the car and it’s locked. You shouldn’t call people crazy, that could hurt my ego and I’ll have to have therapy when I grow up.

MG: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m trying really hard to understand your Texas language, but you are really a nervous Gertie Yram. If I waited for you to do all that, I would never get to play today. Guess you don’t want to hear about the rubber guns. They only hurt if someone accidentally hits you in the face. Besides that, I thought you said you were going to the swimming dam. We’re all going tomorrow with Pink Sandy. Maybe you can come and bring your internet and catch some minnows. As far as a cell goes, you’d have to do something pretty bad to get thrown in a cell here, and if you did, you wouldn’t have to worry too much about what time it is. And another thing, I think you are trying to bluff me, because there is no such thing as a locked car door, and you can’t catch cancer from the sun so you don’t have to put a screen over yourself.

Yram: I think I will go inside and lay down, because I really hope I’m sleeping. Yes, that’s it! I’m asleep and there is no such place as Murdo, where kids run and hit each other and think it’s fun. They have Rats and stay outside without wearing sunscreen. They sit on a barrel hanging from the trees without any supervision. I was cursed at just because I said I was going to the pool. Yes… I’ll lay down and wait to wake up from this nightmare. Bye MG. If I ever see you again, don’t talk to me.

MG: Frankly Yram. I don’t give a hoot!

You should see the other guy

We don’t give a hoot either! Let’s get back to the possibly rigged election. Jerry has chickens to sell and I have eggs to pluck.

I am lock challenged. When I was growing up in Murdo, I didn’t have to lock anything. We didn’t lock our house. I don’t remember even having a key to the house. Jimmy from up the street used to come to our house and watch television whether we were home or not.

We didn’t lock the car, the Motel, and definitely not our suitcases. Why would someone lock a suitcase anyway? If someone wanted to steal something inside, why wouldn’t they just take the whole suitcase?

This freedom from having to lock things was hard to give up. Locking things became a real problem for me. My first experience of locking myself out was when I was staying with my brother and his wife in  California. They had a nice apartment on the ground floor not far from my summer job. The building was small, so the apartment had lots of windows, which turned out to be a good thing.

The first time I locked myself out, I walked around the building and found the window to the bathroom of the appartment I needed to break into. While trying to pry the screen off, it ripped just a little. That was too bad, but it did make the reach to the inside easy enough that I could sort of pry the window open.  Once I got in, I tried to get everything back together, and felt it was good enough that no one would see it. As it turned out, I got into the house through the bathroom window all summer, and as far as I know, they were never robbed.

I think, (at least I would like to think), I remembered to tell them about the broken screen when I moved out.

Fast forward several years. I’m a slow lock learner. I would go by myself to 3k and 10k races that were pretty close to home. You have to remember, it was much different before electric garage door openers and cell phones. There was a key for the car door and another for the ignition. One Saturday, I went to a race and did as I saw others do. I took the key to the car door off the key chain and tied it up in my shoelace. That way I could lock the rest of the keys in the car. It worked great. I got into the car easily enough and drove to the store. When I finished my shopping and came back to the car, I had the keys to the ignition, but the door key was laying on the front seat. Right, I couldn’t get into the car. I had to call a locksmith.

I had a job in sales, and while I was out calling on customers, I had to stop every few hours and return phone calls. It was still before cell phones, so I knew where every payphone was. This particular day I stopped at Tom Thumb. I had a run in my hose and had to buy new ones. The pay phone was right outside the lady’s room, so I took my folder and called my office to get my messages. I took the folder with the keys on top of it in with me to change. when I was ready, I leaned over to flush and WHOOSH! My house key, car key, my son’s apartment key, and I don’t remember what else went down to live with the sewer rats. I screamed and the woman in the next stall screamed too. There I was at Tom Thumb, and couldn’t do anything because I didn’t have a key. I used the payphone and finally got a hold of my son who had just moved into his own apartment. I prayed he still had a key to our house. He did. I heard him yell to his co-workers. “I have to go to Tom Thumb and get my Mom, she flushed all of her keys down the toilet.”

 

I got home, got my extra set of car keys and took the key we had stuck in the inside of the back door so I could get into the house later. I intended to get a copy made and put the key back, but I ran out of time. Later that evening my husband asked where the key to the back door was. When I explained, he said he had never heard of someone flushing their keys. I agreed that it was strange. After all, sometimes you have to flush 3 times to get a Kleenex to go down. I now just had one set of keys. I hadn’t made it to wherever I had to go to get another car key made. Those things cost about $40.00 back then, but so did the locksmith.

I started out with two sets of keys. A week or so later… It’s very early in the morning and I am at the airport. I pull up to a place outside the airport, where they park your car and you take a shuttle to the terminals. I pulled up, got in the trunk, and got my golf bag and suitcase out, then I got on the shuttle. I looked out the window and there was a guy motioning to me. It looked like he was saying he needed my keys. I drug my clubs and suitcase and got off the shuttle. After searching through my purse, I finally realized I must have locked my keys in the trunk. It’s 6:30 a.m. My car is right in the way of every other car trying to get in. I called my husband, who was still at home, but 45 minutes from where I was. He said something like,”I don’t know what you want me to do. You don’t have anymore keys.” I was distraught to say the least, and he wasn’t being very helpful. I told him I could get into the car, just not the trunk. He said to try opening up the glove compartment and push the button that opens up the trunk. In all fairness, it was a company car and not every car has that button. I got some looks as I got back on the shuttle that had been nice enough to wait for me.

Except for my brother’s apartment, all of the things I just told you about happened within a few weeks. I would like to say I have never had another problem with keys or locks, but I would be lying. It has helped to have a cell phone and an electric garage door opener. I can now make it through most days. Well, unless something totally unrelated happens.

All of Murdo is still in shock! The first Lone Wolf County Convention ended last night. It was certainly a night like none other. I’ll try to sum up the events of the evening as briefly as I can.

Wait…There is More

Then Finally

 Barney got busted, Yram and Brad got busted, The balloons didn’t get busted

The next day Mr. Deryk, the Janitor was about ready to leave the Harold Thune Auditorim, when Treason caught up with him.

Treason: Excuse me Mr. Deryk, I’m Teresa, the liaison to the Murdo Coyote. People call me Treason. I thought the Lone Wolf County Convention was last night. Why are all the balloons still up in the rafters? You sure did get the place cleaned up in a hurry. I just stopped by looking for the Queen. Have you seen her today?

Mr. Deryk: Let me try to answer your questions Treason as briefly as I can. About an hour into the program, and before the voters/delegates/whatever even got to find out how the votes tallied up, this whole place spontaneously  combusted. Barney was accused of having several friends of the female persuasion.  Angelina Jolie came and dragged Brad Pitt off, but not before she let Miss Yram have it. Thelma Lou and Louise took off in their car and looked to be headed West, right behind Brad and Angelina. The Queen got here right about then. She looked real pretty in her orange outfit. Anyway, she and A I left to go over to Ferns to eat some cake. I’m not sure where Deputy Fife went. I think he went with Otis, probably over to the jail. Neither one of them looked so good.

Treason: Thanks a bunch Mr. Deryk, I guess I’ll check at Fern’s and the Jailhouse before I go on to the Coyote Office.

Treason runs into Jerry, the Bean Counter who is trying to sell hard boiled eggs labeled as Whole Boneless Skinless Chickens. He doesn’t seem to be drawing much of a crowd. Speaking of drawing, I wonder where Sherri the photographic drawer is?

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Meanwhile, over at the Murdo Girl Campground Compound, Murdo Girl is having her free continental breakfast with Lav who’s finally feeling better after a severe bout of crownitis. The Doctor told her to quit wearing her crown to bed and to get a fan for some ventilation in her pop up camper. Some of the Penticoff family stopped by to say hello and talked about what happened at Fern’s after the convention busted up. Sherri, the Photographic drawer is photographic drawing everybody.

Murdo Girl: Say Pat…I heard everybody was going over to Fern’s Cafe last night after the convention for some homemade chocolate cake. Tell me, did Barney get his 300 votes from the voters/delegates/whatever?

Pat: What rock did you sleep under last night Murdo Girl. It would take too much time to explain everything that happened. Just have Sherri show you the pictures. You’ll be able to figure out that the final vote count tally never did get announced. I’d be real surprised though if poor old Barney made it. Except….

Murdo Girl: Except what Pat? What do you mean except?

Pat: Except everybody voted at intermission, and there were quite a few absenteeism votes too. I wouldn’t count your 50 cent chickens until they’re all in the frying pan Murdo Girl.

Okay, okay…we’ll head over to the jailhouse and see what we can find out there.

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Well, Barney doesn’t look too worse for wear and Otis sure is cheerful..Wait..Otis? He’s standing outside..Then who is that in the cell?

Barney: Well, Otis, we will soon find out the fate of poor Barney Fife. Just because someone who can photographic draw really well, photographic- shopped my picture and made it look like I was with some ladies, when I was supposed to be dating Thelma Lou, I might get run out of this Murdo town.

Otis: Speaking of Thelma Lou, she and Louise already high tailed it out of town and Thelma Lou is the Chairwoman of the LWCC. Who do you reckon will be counting the votes Barney?

Just then, Barney turns and sees a man on the cot in Otis’s cell.

Barney: Who are you mister, and what are you doing in Otis’s, I mean the jailhouse cell?

The man in the cell: Well, I reckon it’s the law in this town that’s going to have to straighten this whole mess out.

All of a sudden the man in the cell jumps up and guess who it is?

Sheriff Duke: You see my saddle bag/bank bag I got right here? It’s got the results of the LWCC vote right inside.

This story will be continued in the very near future. Put all this information in a safe place in your rememberer, because I’m not going to summarize again. It’s just too much! Right Lav? It’s just too much!

Hear Ye, Hear Ye, Hear Ye…Deputy Barney Fife received ??? votes in the LWC Election

It’s Saturday night and the last night of the Lone Wolf County Convention. We all know what that means…It’s time for Barney’s big speech. The Harold Thune Auditorium will soon be filled with delegates, or voters…whatever you want to call them. Barney needs 300 votes tonight to stay in the race for Next Pres. Murdo Girl has 300 of the 600 available. We’ll check in with Barney later, but right now let’s see what’s going on at the Murdo Girl Campground Compound.

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The Murdo Girl team is enjoying a free continental breakfast. Geez…What they lack in expertise, they make up for in numbers.

A I, Yram, Jerry, Carol, Sherri, Treason, Laura, Bart, Smart, and Braveheart. Aggressive Informant, Interviewer, Bean Counter, Singer, Photographic Drawer, Treason to the Murdo Coyote, Town Cryer, and the 3 bodyguards. The VP candidate, Lav is not present. She’s still suffering from Crownitis and has taken to her bed in the pop-up camper. The C and the CC of the CCC took a couple of days off to go see Mount Rushmore. They will be having a committee meeting when they return. All are accounted for except the Queen and Murdo Girl.

A l: I have information to inform, but I’m waiting until Murdo Girl gets here. Hey Bart, Smart, and Braveheart, why aren’t you with MG? Aren’t you her bodyguards?

Braveheart looks at, Bart, who looks at Smart.

Smart: She’s just over at the Pioneer Auto Museum trying to talk Mr. Geisler into letting her ride in that red Impala convertible for a while.  None of us are much on walking and MG doesn’t want us to ride with Thelma Lou and Louise anymore. She didn’t think it looked right for us to be in Barney’s parade.

Okay..we’ll get back to this nothingness later. Let’s go see what Mr. Excitement is up to.

Barney and his team are already at the auditorium, where in his nervousness, he’s mostly sniffing and pulling his pants up. Talk about high pockets…

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Welcome to the Lone Wolf 2016  County Convention

Thelma Lou: Some of you local yokels might not know me, but I’m Thelma Lou, and that redhead over there filing her nails is my friend Louise. We are the C and the CCC of the LWCC. Wow..that is one heck of a mouthful even for someone as articulated as me. Now I want to throw my 2 cents in about Barney before I let him come up here and tell ya all how he’s gonna get this country runnin right as rain again. Barney is a sweet guy who wouldn’t hurt a fly even if it was flying around his head and making him go cross-eyed, which I’ve seen happen a time or two.

Okay let’s get the little giant to come on up here. After the big balloon dropping finale is over, we want to invite you all over to Fern’s Cafe. Louise and I gotta go back to work and Pat Bechard made a delicious chocolate cake that she did not know would be served up to Barney Fife supporters. Me and Louise are the type that make things happen, if you know what I mean.

Barney: (sniff), I know I’m a little bit new to Murdo, (sniff), and that could be a good thing. Ya see, (pulls pants up), I might be just a little bit more “worldly” than Murdo Girl. I’ve been out in the big bad world, and I’ve seen a thing or two. You might be questioning my background and asking yourself what old Barney’s vision of the future is. I’ve got 5 words for ya. Nip It In The Bud! Nip -it-in-the-bud. Nip, Nip, Nip…

Someone stands up in the crowd. They must be going to heckle or something. All eyes turn to face the interrupter. Uh Oh…

A I: Okay Mr. Rogers, Captain Kangaroo, and Batman all rolled into one..I’ve been out aggressively doing my diligence. I want to ask all these delegates, or voters, or whatever you want to call them. Does this look like someone you want for Next Pres?

A I holds up a HUGE picture of what looks like Deputy Fife in a compromising situation.

Thelma Lou: What’s the matter Lover Boy? You have got guilty written all over your face

Louise: You wanna shoot Barnyard Barney? Or do want me to?

To add to the already troubling situation, Guess who walks in just in time to witness these atrocities?

Barney: WH, wh, what are you good citizens doing here?

Coach: We’re just here to watch. We haven’t had this much excitement in Murdo since Murdo Girl won the title of Betty Crocker Homemaker of Tomorrow in 70. Unless you count the time her brother won the joke telling contest in 2011.

Billy Francis, Suzanne Brost, Ralph Thomas, Valerie Leckey Halla, Joe Thomas (participants in the joke telling contest of 2011

Will Barney get the 300 votes necessary to tie it up with Murdo Girl or will his campaign go by the way of the porcelain throne? If it is a tied up contest between Barney and Murdo Girl, will there be a surprise voter/delegate/whatever who is elibible to break the tie? Will Thelma Lou and Barney make-up or break-up? Will Lav recover soon or be a permanent sloth? Will Yram snag another good interview? Will Murdo Girl get another ride in the red Convertible?

Hey..there’s Brad Pitt..Didn’t he used to be friends with Thelma Lou and Louise? He’s with Yram..and Yram has the red convertible. (There’s gotta be some perks to writing all these stories.)