Those 70ish Girls

This is a rerun of a Brick House favorite. MG is being crowned Next Pres and Lav is Vice Next Pres. They prefer crowns hence the combination inauguration and coronation. The Brick House is the old high school and Murdo’s answer to the White House. What a bunch of misfits.

 

It’s all hands on deck for team Coyote at the Harold Thune Auditorium. Murdo Girl will be Inaugracorinated as Next Pres tonight. As of yet, it is still unclear as to how much of the good old US of A will be under her rule? Oh well, no use getting bogged down in the details.

As we join our motley team, they are completing the finishing touches to the preparation of the Auditorium. Tonight is the culmination of months and months of hard work towards this remarkably magical moment. Murdo Girl will be under oath when she says, I do from this day forward. She will then be crowned as a symbol of her commitment to decorum. Next, Lav will be crowned as Next VP, which is mind-boggling in and of itself. I still don’t get how that happened..Murdo Girl will give her inaugracorination address. Then finally, we will Dance!!

Murdo Girl’s Address

As I look around at the amazing crepe paper decorations and the festive butcher paper taped to the bleachers, I…well.. there are no words. Sherri..I recognize your handiwork. It must have taken you the better part of an hour to draw all those photographs.

I would also like to give a shout-out to Pico for her commitment to providing safe food for the pre-inaugracorination, dinner. We had a little problem with tainted steaks, so Pico and DM snagged us some free Subway from over at the truck stop. I think those kiddie meals were pretty filling and I’m sure the little box of colors will be put to good use when we make our Christmas Cards.

TC has cried all day, and is an emotional wreck. She is overwhelmed by the response Jerry got for donations to buy her a new cheesehead. Of course it was hard to be within 30 feet of her old one. Jerry also found out Super Value has a bean counter machine. You just throw your beans in and it spits out quarters. Of course it does take a percentage out of the proceeds, but a quarter is a quarter. Even one quarter is a quarter more than we had before.

Jerry and Lav both took one for the team last week by making a contribution of all their hard earned beans. They realized that when you have a lot of beans, relatives start showing up and all of a sudden everyone is your friend. Unfortunately, some of the beans were rotten. That’s what happens when you hoard your beans and they don’t get circulated.

A I is going to be a little late tonight. She got a moonlighting job spying. I have no idea who she’s spying on, but she really needs to get her money’s worth out of all those spy gadgets she bought. I think people are kind of catching on to her methods. I mean, if someone is wearing a Dick Tracy decoder ring, plastic gloves, carries tape that says, “caution, crime scene,” and tells everyone to speak into her watch, it’s kind of a giveaway. I just don’t think most people are going to tell her much… but that’s just me.

Treason is preparing to be the disc jockey for the dance tonight. She loves music. Were you able to borrow a record player Treason? Good deal. We’ll get started here in just a few. I think Carol is going to help you with the karaoke machine.

Yram ran over to pick up Barnella, so they’ll both be here soon. We invited all the faculty, but we forgot to say RSVP so we don’t know how many are coming. We will have free water available from one of the Murdo Girl Towers, and Lav said she would check on the lemons at Sanderson’s Store.

As your new Next Pres, I will fight the good fight and keep my commitments. My promise to you is, “Ask me no questions, and I will tell you no lies.” I’m pretty sure I can keep that one. You can take it to the bank.

Oh, I almost forgot to give you my address. It’s: The Brick House, 555 Coyote Way, Murdo, SD 57559. Please drop us a line. We would love to hear about your Mom and them.

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The Recycled Inaugracorination Gowns everyone has been waiting to see.

 

Next VP will be wearing a beautiful gown made from shopping bags, she went for her favorite red and white. NVP Lav is wearing a designer gown made from recycled paper cups. She will be serving coffee at intermission.

 

Since her name is rather Christmas like, Carol chose a gown that will later be recycled as the Brick House Christmas tree. We tried to find a turkey dress for Thanksgiving, but no luck.Sherri our PD (Photographic Drawer),chose a gown made from recycled paper for obvious reasons. I can’t wait to see her photographic drawings of the dance. Love the shoes Sherri.

 

Blue Cellophane was A I’s choice..I’m sure she will find a good spy use for it later; like to cover a lifeless body. TC (Town Crier chose tinfoil, because if it gets hot at the dance and her cheese gets a little rancid, she can just pull off a piece of foil and wrap it up.

 

Treason liked the idea of a garbage bag dress. You know how she likes to clean up after everybody. This doesn’t show the extra garbage bag worn as a wrap. She will follow Lav around and pick up empty coffee cups without having to trash her dress. Barnella will be dressed in toilet paper. She sniffs all the time, so some 2 ply squares might come in handy. She’ll also have a shower curtain cape. We wanted her to be covered up as much as possible, because there’s really no hope of any kind of beauty to shine through.

 

Yram will be dressed in a road map frock. It will help her find the way to all her crack up reporter interviews. Pico will look lovely in her gown of plant leaves. She even found some tomato earrings. If anyone craves a salad later, I’m sure she’ll oblige. The only downside to the gown is that it has to be watered every 20 minutes. There’s a sign-up sheet in the men’s room.

And of course…The Queen is still wearing the Rose Garden Room drapes.

I just want to remind the ladies it is a BYOC  (Bring Your Own Crown) Event.

 

Bart, Smart, and Braveheart will be bouncing all riff raff out the door

SEE YOU AT THE DANCE

In the last Brick House story, the team had eaten every bit of the food Pico had ordered for the Inaugurcorination. It was discovered that neither Lav nor Jerry had purloined the coffee bean bags from Sanderson’s Store; and Murdo Girl appeared to be almost recovered from the unfortunate injuries she sustained due to a couple of misplaced blows to the head by Lav and the Queen. All that being said, we have at least one unresolved cliffhanger. During the vetting process, AI and DM discovered the true identity of Murdo Girl’s speech therapist. What we don’t know is what her sinister intent was, so Yram is going to do one of her crack up reporter interviews.

Yram: Man oh man, do you ever look rough?  For the record, would you please state your full name, address and telephone number? I will also have to see your Driver’s license or photo drawn ID.

Person: My full name is Barnella Iris Fife. My new address is Murdo, SD. I do not currently have a phone, DL or photo drawn ID.

Yram: Hmm..I see. Wow..you are really hard to look at!! How have you been transported to and from the Brick House? If you have no phone, how have you been calling, texting, and playing games?

Person whom we now know is Barnella: I just live kitty corner from here. It’s where Superintendent Haugland lived. I believe Syd Iwan also lived there at one time. I love the neighborhood, and of course it has the added advantage of being so close to my work. I lost my cell phone, and I can’t live much longer without it. I’m planning to go after work today and get another one. That is, if I can catch a ride.

Yram: Hmm…I see.. If you’re going to try to catch a ride, you better put a scarf over your face… Who is your next of kin, Miss Barnella Iris Fife!?

Barnella starts to squirm in her chair. She is visibly shaken. She pulls a tissue out of her purse and starts to dab her eyes and blow her nose (sniff). Oh geez..another sniffer. I hope she doesn’t tug on her girdle like our current deputy tugs on his pants.

Barnella: I’m sorry.(sniff)..I’m Deputy Barney Fife’s sinister, spinster twin sister, only I’m not sinister anymore (sniff). My doctor told me to stay off caffeine, and it has really helped my sinisterness. It has changed my poor sad life.

YRAM: Okay sinster, I mean.. Okay sister..let’s cut to the chase. Are you a real speech therapist, and how did you happen to get this job at the Brick House? No disrespect, but it wasn’t because of your looks. Yeouzer!!

Barnella: Well, I don’t have any formal training, but I’ve seen My Fair Lady 5 times, and Sybil 4 times. I guess you could say, I have several hours up my sleeve. I applied for the job first and last. I was the only applicant who had any experience with Rhyming Rehab. Have you seen My Fair Lady? Great movie!

Yram: Yes..I’m familiar with , “The rain in Spain.” Well Barnella, Murdo Girl no longer needs a speech therapist. How well can you cook? With that mug, you really need to be behind the scenes and FYI..you might try a little more makeup. Shades of pink might help.

Barnella: Oh Miss Sicnarf, I’ve watched the Food Network ever since it came on. I like Paula Dean too and her cookware line is divine. If I could just be given a chance. You see, I have lived in the shadows of my bigshot brother all of my life. He even has a gun and a bullet. I voted for him for president, but only because he threatened to stop payment on the check he used to buy our parents a much-needed new Septic tank. I think he was just having a bit of buyer’s remorse.

Yram: I can feel your pain Barnella. That face doesn’t look too good on a boy, let alone a girl. The job is yours Barnella. Now, put that scarf over your face and I’ll see if Mr. Applefloor will take you to get your DL and a cell phone.

Do you believe Barney’s sinister spinster twin sister is no longer sinister? Yram hired her to cook. What’s up with that? Anyway, the Barnella dilemma is resolved. She’s going to be on board to help warm up the steaks provided by Murdo’s Restaurant by the River on the Nebraska side, but really close to Yankton, on the South Dakota side. We offered him full price if he would give us a 100% discount. Instead, he tripled the price and gave us a 50% discount on 100% of 25%. He said it real fast, but I think we made a pretty sweet deal. He said not to tell anyone, because he hardly ever makes that kind of deal. Even with his very best customers.

Murdo Girl: Okay TC we need you to grab a megaphone and tell this town the dance is tomorrow night. It’s been kind of busy around here, so we might just hold off on the coronation part where I officially become Next Pres. We can do that next week. Do you know if the Queen got all the crepe paper to decorate, and the tinfoil to spiff up my crown and make my dress?

Tinfoil? Crepe paper? I’m wearing the drapes from the Rose Garden Room. 

Probably should put that broach a little higher Queen. It’s tinfoil right? A few rubies in the crown would add some color. Cute little kid. Is he from here?

Stay Tuned Murdo…It will be fun times in the old town!!

 

Finally,  a little bit of good news. Remember when TC (Town Crier) did an official hear ye, hear ye and announced Lav was acting Next Pres because Murdo Girl had suffered injuries which prevented her from carrying on her NP duties? Remember that? Well, it turns out that’s not how it works. Murdo Girl gets to use her 14 days of sick leave before she has to abdicate the Oblong Office. It didn’t really make sense anyway, because MG’s injuries were at the hands (or fists) of Lav and Queen E. If someone really wanted to push it, Queen E could be sent back across the pond for her violent acts, but MG would have to press charges. The acting Attorney General, cousin Blake, said it would be hard to prove malice or forethought, since the Queen struggles with present thought.

So, now that some of the dust has settled, the Inaugurcorination is on for Saturday night. Let the preparations begin!!

The Brick House Break Room

Pico: Talking to Yram …We have caterers coming here this afternoon. We get to have a taste testing of different appetizers. Every cafe in town is vying for the great honor of supplying snacks for the after party. yippy, skippy, it’s finally going to happen and I’m in charge of the whole thing from the crowning to the snake dance!

Yram: We still have a dark cloud hanging over our heads that could develop into a storm that will wipe out everything in its path. It appears to be moving quickly in our direction. There is no way we can alter its course due to the current high pressure conditions.

Pico: Been watching the weather channel again Yram? I assume you’re talking about Coffee Gate. Don’t worry, DM and A I have it under control. First of all, there were only 18 minutes, I mean bags missing from Sanderson’s Store, not 20. If it’s under 20, the law says there are no coffee grounds for impeachment.

YRAM: Huh? You mean there were peaches missing too? What next…Hot Chocolate? Bananas? Where will it all end? When is it all going to stop Pico?

Pico: Don’t be such a Debbie Downer Yram. Why don’t you make yourself useful and empty the garbage? And Yram..you do not have to shred the coffee cups and leftover food. You’ve ruined 2 shredders already.

Meanwhile, in the Presidential Suite, Murdo Girl is talking with DM and A I while Carol is finally taking a break from her background singing.

Murdo Girl: A I.. I need you to do some spying for me. I’m almost recovered from my rhyming affliction, but now I’ve developed a coffee addiction. The speech therapist makes me listen to Carol sing rhyming songs. If my words rhyme, she threatens to slap my face, which is what caused this in the first place. Please A I spy on the ST, and DM, please vet her more thoroughly.

 

DM: Sure thing Murdo Girl. I’m on my way to get The speech therapist and off to the Vet we go.

A I: Okay, I’ll come with you and spy on her. Glad to see your eyes are tracking right MG

Meanwhile Sherri the Photographic Drawer is now in the break room talking to Lav

Sherri: Lav, you’ve been acting really nervous lately, do you want to talk about it?

Lav: Sherri, if I tell you something, do you promise you won’t draw a photograph? I need you to keep this off the sketch pad.

Sherri: Lav, you’re my friend. I draw some pretty controversial photographs, but to draw and unflattering photo of a friend…that’s where I draw the line.

Lav: I’m not exactly sure what you just said. I’m going to trust you, but if I see you so  much as pick up a pencil, I will deny everything you draw. Do you get the picture?

Sherri: I think so.

Lav: I overheard TC talking to Jerry. TC was complaining because everyone says her cheese head stinks. They make fun of her and say TC doesn’t stand for Town Crier, it means Tainted Cheese. I feel kind of sorry for her. I was hiding behind a door and I had to hold my nose the whole time. Anyway, Jerry told her that he had so many beans now, she could go out and buy 2 new cheese heads if she wanted to.

 

Just then, who walks in the break room but Jerry.

Jerry: I couldn’t help but over- eavesdrop your conversation. I will have you know that Sanderson’s Store gave me 2 bean bags for helping them inventory their coffee beans. That’s why no one pressed charges against you Lav. They were missing 18 bean bags not 20. The other 2 were paid to me. I worked hard for those beans, but I did it for The Coyote Team.

Lav: Gee Jerry you make me feel bad. I didn’t steal the 18 bags they found in my shed. I grew them in my garden. I’ve been saving them for a rainy year. I guess I’ll contribute them to the team too.

Sherri: Wait!! Then who stole the beans from Sanderson’s Store?

Jerry: Who cares. Did you guys see all the food over there on the counter? It sure looks good. Let’s eat!

 

When there is food involved, word spreads fast. The whole team is soon gathered in the break room. Everyone is scarfing down the delicious food so beautifully displayed on the tables and counters of the Break Room. Good Grief..someone brought beautiful plastic flowers from the Rose Garden Room. They even managed to find a few sunflowers on the East Lawn of the Brick House. The mood is festive until Pico walks in and begins to cry.

 

If that’s not bad enough, A I and DM finally got back from the Vet with the speech therapist. They just walked into Murdo Girl’s Presidential Suite.

DM: Murdo Girl…meet Barnella…Barney Fife’s sinister spinster twin sister!

I mentioned in an earlier story that Mrs. E  loved strawberry cake. She also loved my chocolate chip cookies. There weren’t too many sweets she didn’t like. Many mornings I stopped on my way to her house and got a bag of those mini chocolate covered, yellow cake donuts. I liked them too.

My friend Pat told me about a recipe for mug cake that you cook in the microwave. It is a quick and easy way to make a single serving of virtually any kind of cake you want. I couldn’t wait to make one for Mrs. E. I was sure she would really get a kick out of it.

When I got to her house, I told her I was going to make her strawberry cake. Later, when she was ready for her snack, I made the cake in a cup. She looked slightly confused, but she ate the cake. A couple of hours later she said, ” Now…where is that strawberry cake you were going to make for me?” I tried to explain, but it fell on deaf ears. She was not interested in a little cup of cake. I can identify. If I can’t have a big piece of cake or pie, I would rather not have any.

I started my duties on November 3rd, and around the second week of December, I was feeling like we were doing okay. We had some difficult days, but we worked through them. Mrs. E’s daughter is one of the most caring and genuine people I have ever known, but sometimes her mother tried her patience. One day, I was doing something in the back of the house, and I could hear Mrs. E talking to her daughter about Christmas. She said, “I think we should give that girl something nice for Christmas, because she’s the only one we haven’t quarreled with.” I knew she was talking about me, because she always referred to me as “that girl.” She never called anyone by name except for immediate family. I don’t know if that was a part of her memory affected by the stroke, or just that she didn’t want to be bothered with remembering names. In 4 years, I never heard her say my name. I also knew that saying I was the only one she hadn’t quarreled with, was as good a compliment as I was ever going to get.

Mrs. E had a neighbor that would come and visit once in a while. She would bring a plant, or something she had made. She was also on the list of emergency contacts for the lifeline company. In one of her visits, the neighbor lady had mentioned how old she was. After she left, I told Mrs. E that I was surprised, because I thought she looked much younger. Mrs. E said, “Sometimes you just can’t tell. I’m 85 and I look a whole lot younger.” She thought for a minute before she added, “I look about 60.” She meant it too. Of course I said I totally agreed. My new younger sister.

One morning the phone rang. The person on the line asked to speak to Mrs. E. . I screened her calls, but the caller said they were with the lifeline company. They called every now and then and asked her to push the button on her pendant, just to make sure everything worked. This day, I could tell right away the call was not about a test. I could only hear Mrs. E’s side of the conversation, and I had never heard her sound so contrite. She was apologizing and saying she would never do it again. When she handed the phone back to me, she didn’t look me in the eye. I asked her what that was all about. She said she had gotten into trouble. She had awakened at 2:00 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. She wanted someone to come and help her get dressed and out of bed. Her daughter lived right across the street and normally Mrs. E would call her in this kind of situation. Instead, she pushed the lifeline button and when they called her, she gave them instructions not to call her daughter’s house. She told them to call her neighbor. Apparently, the neighbor wasn’t too happy to get the phone call. She knew Mrs. E was just trying to avoid getting a reprimand from her daughter. The company called Mrs. E’s daughter, who was not happy about her Mother’s sneaky plan. The lifeline company wanted to make sure Mrs, E was clear on what constituted an emergency.

Mrs E was capable of getting out of bed and into her wheelchair, by use of the pole, but we cautioned her not to. I think she realized it was better to be extra cautious and not tempt fate. That was a good thing.

I don’t know if you have ever been to an older person’s home and seen photographs taped up on the walls. Mrs. E had her wall of fame. She loved to get greeting cards, especially if they had pictures of animals on them. They were taped to the wall, along with the family photos. My Great Aunt Grace did the same thing. My Mother had my son’s Senior picture taped up on her wall, and had ribbon and other decorative things hanging around it. I always thought it looked like a shrine of sorts. I never said anything to Mom,  but I did kid Mason about it. He was her first grandchild, so I guess that’s why he was so honored.

I tried to copy a link to a short recording. It’s of my mom and I singing “In the Garden.”  We sang it together the last time I was with her. She loved that song. She even called me at work one day and sang it on my voice mail. I played it for my co-workers who thought it was the neatest thing for my Mom to do.

On the occasion of our duet, My brother Billy had taken Gus for a guy’s week-end in Los Vegas. He deserved a little time for fun. Gus was so very wonderful to our Mother.

Mom and I watched 5 hours of Public television that night. The music ranged from Big Band Sounds to Elvis Presley. If we even knew a few words to a song, we sang along.

That day was made even more special because cousin Valerie and her daughter Caitlin drove 7 hours, one way, to see us that day. We went to Marie Callenders for lunch and had a great time before they had to make the return trip home.

I hope you can open the recording. It looks like it copied twice, or not at all. I also want to wish everyone a safe and fun holiday week-end.

 

 Murdo Girl has been suffering from the repercussions  of her injuries which occurred due to a poor choice of words on her part. Her loyal team heard her say, “Please slap some sense into me.” The next in line for Next Pres and the Queen, took her literally and  socked it to her. That being said, we are all acutely aware of the lingering after effects of the unfortunate blow.

 

Let’s take a look at the current status of  Next Pres Murdo Girl. She and her team are all at The Brick House working through these challenging times.

 Let’s check out the break room.

Sherri the Photographic Drawer: I am on the verge of carpel tunnel vision. This place is wearing me out. I’m all for promoting Murdo Girl, but I’m not going to draw another photograph until I know MG has recovered from that one two punch. Has she stopped talking in rhymes?

Treason: Nope! I went to see her in the Next Presidential Suite right before my Brick House Briefing. I asked her if she wanted me to quote her on anything. Do you want to know what she said?

Sherri: No

Treason: She said… “I’m getting better every day. Your Next Pres is here to stay.”

Sherri: That’s it? That’s all she said? I missed the Brick House Briefing. How did it go?

Treason: We had it in the Rose Garden Room. I get a headache every time I go in there. It’s bad enough the whole room is full of plastic roses. I personally think they went too far with the fake grass and trees. They named the trees after Mrs. Bartlet. I guess they must be Bartlet Pear Trees. They even have a little putting green in there. I heard Coach Applebee wanted it to be named after him, but we just can’t get into a war of the named after stuff, you know. It would make the most sense to name it Palmer Putting Green. After Marv Palmer, not  Arnold. Anyway, It’s a little hard to keep people focused when they want you to be quiet while they putt.

It got a little dicey when a reporter from the  Murdo Coyote asked about Lav taking over the Next Pres duties.

Sherri: Ooo..I can’t even photographic picture that. Where is Lav anyway?

Hm..It appears to me those two haven’t heard about Lav’s shed full of bags of coffee beans. Where could they have come from? We’ve all been trying hard to watch where our beans are going. We were all under the impression that we were going to have to balance our bean budget. This old Brick House burns a lot of beans, then of course a bean just doesn’t go as far as it used to. Anyway, let’s hunt down A I and DM. They might have some answers. 

DM: A I, I don’t know how long we can continue to cover up Coffeegate. I’ve questioned Lav, but she keeps saying she has no idea how the beans got into her shed. Do you think somebody planted them there?

A I: Gee DM..I don’t know..Can coffee beans grow in a shed? Who would think to water them? Shh…here comes Jerry. Wow. He looks like he’s bean up all night. Hi Jerry. You look like you’ve bean up all night. Do you want some coffee?

Jerry: Don’t mention coffee. I’ve been over at Sanderson’s Store helping them inventory coffee beans. Their beans don’t add up. They’re missing 20 large bean bags. Where’s Lav? Have you guys seen her?

DM: Why are you looking for Lav? You know Lav, she hardly ever knows anything.

Jerry: I was just listening to the people over at the store. Having Lav as acting Next Pres is a real nail biter. I sure hope she lies low for a while.

There is no one more concerned about the state of things than Murdo Girl. That’s why she is now working with a speech therapist. She’s doing “rhyming rehab”. Let’s see how that’s going. Looks like the crossed eye is still a prominent feature on MG’s face. 

  

Therapist: Now Miss Murdo Girl, repeat after me…The rain in Spain falls Mainly on the Plain.

What? How is that supposed to help MG to stop rhyming. That therapist looks familiar…hmm

Where is acting Next Pres Lav going with a tumbleweed strapped to her car? And where did she get that car?

 

Look at the Queen!! She’s wearing the JCHS colors. “Oh here’s for Murdo Corgis.”

Here in lies the problem. Murdo Girl cannot carry on her responsibilities as Next Pres if she can’t talk right or see straight, or is that see right and talk straight? Either way, it speaks of disaster. If MG isn’t able, the next in line is Lav, who struggles on a good day. She is now under a cloud of suspicion because the coffee bean bags missing from Sanderson’s Store are in her shed. At the moment, the only people who know the location of the bean bags are DM and A I. Except…if Lav is the victim of a set-up, who is behind it all?

I have an idea…let’s put sunglasses on MG, tell everyone she has laryngitis and put a rush on the Inauguration. We’ll figure it all out after the dance.

1. I’m honored with the “Kvamme Keurig Coffee Pot.”  2. I’m in favor of “Bartlet Pear Trees,” 3. Skip me I’m from Laramie, 4. I like “Dutch Microwave Oven.”

 

 

 

Who doesn’t enjoy being loved unconditionally? That’s why so many of us have pets. I love my animals and I know they love me. Pets love their humans with fierce devotion, but other people usually have to earn their respect. Such was the case with Mrs. E’s  dog Rascal.

Rascal laid under the table most of the time. He wanted to be readily available in case some of Mrs. E’s spam sandwich made its way to the floor. (Which it did accidentally on purpose, more often than not.) His poor front feet were very sensitive because the terror in the wheelchair had run over them so many times. You see, because of all the spam, sausage and other delicacies he had consumed, Rascal couldn’t move very fast. That is unless I made any fast moves in the direction of his Master’s chair. He did not like anyone moving quickly in Mrs. E’s direction. Even an animal lover like me couldn’t get away with it. Therefore, I cannot blame Rascal for all the nip marks on my shins. I look at every pink scar as a time that Rascal got some much-needed exercise.

The last year or so that we were together, Mrs. E also had a kitty. She had befriended a stray feline who eventually made his way into the house. She absolutely adored that cat. I know the poor kitty must have felt smothered. Like any good mother, Mrs. E felt it was her duty to provide plenty of sustenance for all her babies. It became a problem, because the poor little kitty just couldn’t eat as much as his master wanted him to. There were times he ran and hid from her. This became a source of contention between Mrs. E, and her daughter. I was on the daughter’s side.

If the kitty refused the canned cat food, Mrs. E would open a can of tuna fish. So now we had spoilage to contend with. Cans of plastic capped tuna and cat food finally had to be removed from the refrigerator and placed in the garbage.

 

We were in the throes of all this when one morning Mrs. E  informed me she didn’t want to take a bath, or change out of her night-clothes. She was mad because she had gotten into trouble the night before. She had gone through a month’s supply of cat food in 2 weeks, not to mention the cans of tuna she had opened to try to entice the kItty to eat more.

By this time, I had become very creative in my approach to her resistance toward taking a bath. The other challenge was to get her to wear something other than one of the two red outfits she had. We washed every day, so I usually let her decide what she wanted to wear. I thought it was important to let her make some of her own decisions about things. This day happened to be Veteran’s Day. Mrs. E was very proud that Mr. E had been a WWII Veteran. I searched her closet and found a yellow top with a big American flag on it. I said she should consider wearing it to honor Mr. E. She totally bought into the idea and was feeling pretty good about it all.

Later, Mrs. E’s  daughter stopped over to check her Mother’s grocery list. In the process she found “someone” had discovered the cans of cat food she had hidden. She was a little upset, and rightly so. Mrs. E exclaimed rather loudly,”Mr. E loved cats!” Her daughter not knowing the proud American moment we had experienced earlier said, “What does Mr. E. Have to do with you wasting cat food?” I explained she had Mr. E on her mind because she was wearing the American flag shirt in honor of his service. Now who could argue with that logic? The discussion would have to be put off for another day.

Twice, she tried her best to trick me into going to the little store up the street to buy tuna. The first time, she said she was hungry for a tuna fish sandwich. I went and got the tuna, but when I got back, I mixed it all up with hard-boiled eggs, onion and mayo. I knew this was how she liked it. She was really frowning as she watched me ruin the cat’s tuna. She told me her daughter wouldn’t eat it like that. I reminded her it was for her lunch, not her daughter’s. At lunchtime she said she didn’t want it.

The second time she tried to get me to go buy tuna I refused. I tried my best to convince her the cat just couldn’t eat the amounts of food she wanted him to. A little later, she said she was really craving an RC Cola. I agreed to go get it for her. As I was running out the door, she yelled after me, “Oh, and if you get a chance, pick up a can of tuna.” Funny, but I just didn’t have that chance.

As the little kitty grew, he was less interested in being in the house and much of the time he cried to get outside. I thought if he was fixed, he might calm down a little and be a better pet for Mrs. E. I learned that the Friends of the Animals had received a grant to spay or neuter cats. The only catch was, they would cut a notch in the kitten’s ear. The purpose was so the animal control people could see the cat had been fixed. I talked with Mrs. E’s daughter about this and we decided to take the chance that we could somehow explain the notch. We knew Mrs. E would not agree to let her kitten have the surgery if she knew they were going to cut off part of his ear.

Everything went fine and it appeared that Mrs. E. hadn’t noticed her beloved kitten had his ear trimmed. Then one day, she was fraught with worry because the kitten had been outside for several hours. I explained that he often did that, and he always came home. She would not be consoled. Finally she said, “I know he’s going to that drunkard’s house up the street.” I asked her why she thought that? She said she knew he coaxed her cat with food, and she was sure he was the one who had cut her kitty’s ear up.” I didn’t touch that one. It was as good an explanation as any. Let’s blame it on the drunkard.

I was only there in the mornings, and her daughter worked. Mrs. E was usually by herself in the afternoons. She did just fine, because she had her animals to keep her company and her life alert pendant in case of an emergency. Her daughter cooked their supper at Mrs. E’s house and the family ate their evening meal together. For years, this arrangement was such a good one. It allowed Mrs. E to stay in her home for longer than it would have otherwise been possible, but the biggest benefit was she got to enjoy her family of pets.

I heard someone say once that old people are like babies only they’re not cute. Let me tell you something. Mrs. E was no baby, but at times, she was pretty darn cute.

 

 

 

 

 

I thought you might want an update on the goings on at the Brick House. I’m sorry to have to report that Murdo Girl is still less than conscious. One of her eyes can focus, but remember the eye that she’s had problems with in the past? The one that twitches when she gets really nervous. It’s still crossed, and it twitches. Complete bedrest has been prescribed.

We’ve also found out more about the events that led up to and came after the cold cock punch that took her out. Can you even believe the Queen and Lav were responsible? The thing that I sort of wonder about is, why did A I run over to Murdo Girl and say she was going to find out who hit her? I mean she was standing right there! She couldn’t have missed it…Could She??

You may have heard that DM and A I went over to investigate Lav’s shed while she was at her Zumba class. They found something all right…What they found, raised more questions. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. What do you think about this?

 

We shouldn’t jump to any premature conclusions, but why would Lav have a shed full of coffee beans? I guess that’s why she was so aggressive with the pitchfork. It makes one wonder if the Queen knows more than she’s saying too.

 

In case you’re wondering, I’m stalling…Where do I go first? Okay, you always learn the most in the break room right?

DM: Why are you acting so nervous A I? Didn’t we decide we were going to sit on our discovery until Murdo Girl gets back to normal?

A I: That was yesterday, this is today.

DM: Don’t you think I know that today is today for Pete’s sakes?

A I: I mean..I thought Murdo Girl would be back to herself today, but she clearly is not. Clearly she isn’t one bit clear. I am her spy. I think she is in danger. I must do something. I

DM: Do you know how many times you’ve said I? You need to get a grip A I, and start acting like a spy. I’m her Defense Monitor. I should have defended her, but I just couldn’t bring myself to deliver a knock out punch to Lav and the Queen. It just isn’t me.

A I: Shush..here comes Lav. Let me handle this. I spy.

DM: No let me handle this. I defend…and monitor

Lav comes into the break room and falls into a chair. She’s not looking very good. Her crown is askew again too.

DM: Hey lav. Where have you bean? I mean been?

Lav: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my mocha. Where is my mocha? I need my mocha.

A I and DM exchange knowing looks. Lav is really distressed. She looks like she’s ready to cry. Here comes TC and Jerry.

Lav: TC I sure hope you’re not here to yell hear yea, hear yea. I don’t want to hear you, hear, you. I have to talk to Murdo Girl. She just has to be okay. I only socked her cause she told us too. I don’t want to be Next Pres no way, no way!

DM: Really Lav? You do realize the Next Pres makes big beans don’t you? Hey Jerry..how many beans does the Next Pres make?

Jerry: Well, in cold hard beans, several bushels. Taxes are usually baked in. Then it also depends on the denominations. For instance, lima beans are big, but they aren’t worth nearly as much as coffee beans.

Lav: Stands up. I’m not in this for the beans. I just wanted to do something beaningful with my life.

 

Let’s go take a peak into the Next Presidential suite where Murdo girl is resting. I haven’t seen it since it’s been remodeled. They took the Algebra II sign off the door. I hear voices. I wonder who is with her?  Hm..very interesting, looks like Carol is there. She’s seated in the background and she’s softly singing some kind of background music. Yram is there and so is Pico. 

Pico: How are you feeling Murdo Girl? You sure have a big crossed eye. Maybe you should put a package of frozen beans on it. I’ve heard that helps reduce the swelling.

Murdo Girl: I don’t think the beans will help, I thought I just heard NoNo Yelp.

I can’t even lift my head. Let alone get out of bed!

Pico and Yram exchange looks

Yram: NoNo is fine MG. That was just Carol singing in the background. Can we get you anything? Maybe a little bean soup?

Murdo Girl: We really shouldn’t cook the beans. Although I’m not sure what that means. Even cooked a little bit, beankeeping always throws a fit.

Pico: It‘s okay MG, you just rest. We’ll be back later when you’re feeling better. Treason is going to have a presser later. We just have to figure out what to tell the Murdoites. We don’t want rioting in the streets or some kind of lynch mob coming after Lav and the Queen now do we?

 

STRESSED BACKWARDS..HA HA…THEY’LL GET THEIR JUST DESSERTS

 

 

 

In the story where I compared the world of a child growing up today, to my childhood days, it was incredible to realize how much things have changed. I’m sure it was like that for each generation before me, and will be for those who follow.

Mrs. E is 25 years my senior. Mom was 31 when I was born. These two women were raised during times that saw great change. Mom was in her 20’s when WWII broke out. Mrs E was 15 when Pearl Harbor was attacked. Like Mom, many of the men and boys in her life went to war.

When I first met Mrs. E, it had been about 4 years since a stroke had left her partially paralyzed on her left side. This event changed her life in a very big way. Her house was full of reminders of her many talents. She had beautiful crocheted bedspreads and afghans in her closets, and bookshelves full of jigsaw puzzles. She had gardened and in other ways, had been very active. She had to give up all those fun and rewarding pastimes after the stroke.

Knowing that many people of her generation loved to play bingo, I asked her if she had ever played the game. She said, “Oh yeah, that’s how I got my 4th old man.” This started a conversation about the men in her life. She made it clear to me that she was not a “rounder,” nor were any of the “old men” who had been important to her . Over that four year period, I learned about these men. The happy times, and the tragedies that she experienced. As I tell you about our conversations, keep in mind that sometimes her memory played a few tricks on her, and she did sometimes embellish for effect. Something of course, I never do.

When she was a young teenager, little miss E, developed a crush on the boy who lived down the road. They spent evenings in his living room where they would lay on the floor propped up on their elbows, and listen to the radio with his folks. This is where they were when they heard that Pearl Harbor had been attacked and the U.S. was entering WWII.

Mrs. E told me the young boy she was with went the very next day and enlisted. I waited for her to tell me more, but she just went back to eating her Spam sandwich. Finally, I asked, “What happened to the boy? Did he go overseas?” She shrugged her shoulders and said, “Oh yeah, he went over there, got killed and came back the same day.”

What was supposed to be her first date, with the man she eventually married, didn’t happen. She had agreed to go with him to some kind of a church or school social, but at the last minute, she chickened out. She climbed a tree in her front yard and waited. From her perch, she watched him come to the house and knock on the door. Her Mother answered and told him her daughter was around there someplace. They looked everywhere, but didn’t find her, so he finally left. She came down from the tree and went inside. She said her Mother never mentioned it.

Like many depression era families, she grew up very poor. She had to work in the cotton fields and couldn’t attend school. She told me how hard it was for her to go to school for the first time and try to join an 8th grade class. One day, as she waited for her school bus, she got sprayed by a skunk. She was so determined to go to school, she boarded the bus anyway. She made it all the way to school, but wasn’t allowed to stay and had to walk all the way back home. She never learned how to read or write anything but her name, however she was indeed street smart. She signed everything, even a birthday card to her daughter, “Best wishes, and always her full name.

She told me about her half brother who was about 4 years older. She called him Bubba. The two of them had some pretty wild escapades. They became irritated with a group of kids who walked passed their house each evening and sang loud songs. One day the pair spotted a dead animal, which gave Bubba an idea. The two of them found a board about the same size as the newly departed beast, who was looking pretty gruesome by this time. They nailed him to the board, and attached a long narrow rope to opposite sides of the board. Each took a rope and positioned the mounted animal beside the road. They hid themselves behind trees, one on each side. They were now ready for the singing children to come walking by.

It wasn’t long until they heard the familiar, yet irritating singing. They waited until the children were close enough to see the dead animal, but still couldn’t see the ropes. Bubba tightened his rope and slowly pulled the upright dead animal across the road in front of the kids, who by this time had stopped singing. Little E, slowly let her rope out as Bubba continued to pull the grotesque animal onto the kid’s path. Mrs. E told me those kids turned and ran as fast as they could. She and Bubba could hear the screaming above their own laughter. Apparently, the choir learned their lesson, because they never heard them come down the road singing again.

I thought of course this was the end of the story, but Mrs. E. went on to tell me that she and Bubba just left the mounted dead animal laying on the side of the road. That night, when they were called to supper, they had quite a surprise. Bubba and little E. sat on a bench pulled up to the table. When they were seated and ready to eat, their Father, left for a minute and came back with the dead animal still attached to the board and set it between them on the bench. I’m assuming this was his way of telling the pair he knew what they had done, and he did not approve. Mrs. E. said they both wished they could run away screaming, but they knew better. They sat there and ate their supper in silence.

Apparently Mrs. E’s father was a man of few words when it came to disciplining his kids. She told me of a time they got into some “Good Ole Mountain Dew,” and drank enough that it was noticed. Rather than say anything, he gave them an extremely bumpy wagon ride, until they felt the effects of drinking and riding. Both of them got pretty sick.

Mrs. E. could tell the stories with the best of them. She loved talking about the barn dances they had every Friday night. Her Dad played the fiddle and everyone had fun. We found a radio station that played those old familiar hoedown songs. I could tell by the look on her face that the music took her back to those special times. She knew all the words. I even knew a few of them.

It seems as we get older, the good times rise to the top like sweet cream, while the bad times no longer have the sting they once had. What a blessing that is…

Talk about being deep in the weeds. Our new Administration has become overgrown and overblown. It looks like we’ve got a Cabinet full of termites with titles and names like,

(FEEL FREE TO SKIP NEXT 4 LINES IF YOU ALREADY KNOW WHO EVERYBODY IS.)

Murdo Girl (Next Pres), Lav (Next VP), Treason (Press Sec), TC (Town Cryer), A I (Aggressive Informant, now spy), Jerry (always and forever the Bean Counter), Sherri (Photographic Drawer), Carol (The Singer), Pico (Person In Charge of Brick House Functions), DM (Defense Monitor), NoNo (Short for Nobody Noname.. he is a canine), and of course we have the Queen.

I don’t think she likes me….NoNo

There is someone who just might have a problem with being shoved out of the cushy jobs? Yes, there is one that came aaaalll the way from Gun Barrel City Texas. One…who took it on the chin from practically aaalll of the MHS faculty. In her troubled mind, she thinks that she alone paved the way for Murdo Girl to ride into town in her broken down Jeep and CLEAN UP!!

Yram Sicnarf isn’t ready to suck it up and go home. I mean, it’s a 100 degrees in the shade right now in Texas. Not a good time to vacate loftier, cooler goals.

Who knows what this is going to look like?

*******************************************************

Yram: Mr. Francis, You probably don’t know me from Billy, but I’ve heard you’re a fair-minded Murdo man. Would you mind if I asked you a few off the cuff questions?

Big Bill: If you don’t mind if I smoke a cigar. Does off the cuff mean the same thing as off the record?

Yram: Yes.. I don’t live in Murdo, and because I come from Texas, some (although I’m not one of them), think I do things kind of backwards.

Big Bill: Well, Miss Sicnarf, do you think it might have something to do with the way you spell your name?

Yram: I can’t help it that my Father’s last name was Sicnarf! Every day, I look in the mirror and wonder.. what’s wrong with me. Do you think mine has been an easy life?

Big Bill:  What is your Mother’s name?

Yram: Her name is Atterol Nosrednas Sicnarf Nosfatsug.

Big Bill: Well Yram, I’m finished smoking my cigar, but I do have some words of wisdom for you.

Yram: I’m all ears and there’s lots of me.

Big Bill: Stay close to Yllib, and just maybe, your parents were looking in the mirror when they named you. Yes the mirror and a little dyslexia can make strange things appear.

Yram: Okay Big Bill, but before we go our separate ways, I have some words of wisdom for you too. It’s something my Dad Llib always said..”Watch out for Gnillaf Skcor!” It has to do with two Indian Braves who raced through the Badlands to win the hand of Gnillaf Skcor. She was an Indian Princess who never did show up in the winner’s circle.

Big Bill: Winner’s circle? Did you say winner’s circle? I know the guy who wrote that story. I barely recognize it the way you tell it. Are you sure your brother didn’t tell you the story? It sounds like an add lib from Yllib. He likes horse races.

******************************************************************

Armed with a new resolve, Yram decides to go have a chat with Murdo Girl. It’s time to draw a line on the chalkboard. Time to talk about solutions to those important issues that hurt our hearts. Next Pres, Murdo Girl must not get mired in the quagmire. The future of Murdo, SD, USA is in her hands. This calls for an intervention.

In just a few, we find Yram and Murdo Girl together in the Oblong Office.

Yram: Murdo Girl let me ask you something. What have you done for Murdo since you took office? In the beginning you were on fire. You had Murdo Girl Towers, Murdo Wall Drug. I mean you had it goin on. It looks to me like since you won the election, you’ve become a drifter. You’ve added so much dead wood, if someone strikes a match, this “People’s House” will burn to the ground even if it is made of brick.

Just then Treason, the Press Secretary walks in.

Treason: I couldn’t help over- eavesdropping. I agree with Yram.

Next, Pico and DM come through the door

Pico: I agree with Yram and Treason

DM: I agree with Yram, Treason, Pico and DM..(wait that’s me.)

Now, here comes A I, Jerry, TC, Sherri, and Carol

Murdo Girl: Please..somebody bolt the door, before Lav and the Queen come in.(But it’s too late, they’re here too.) Do I have to listen to this for the rest of my dead driftwood days? Have I really lost my way? Have I lost sight of my goals? Have I become one of those I have fought to extricate Murdo from? Next thing you know, I’ll be over at the jail giving Otis sobriety tests.

Everybody stops to ponder that for a minute

Oh No…The Nose pinching test…I hate the nose pinching test!

Murdo Girl: Quick someone slap some sense into me.

Lav and the Queen both haul off and slug Next Pres Murdo Girl who immediately crosses her eyes and slumps to the floor. NoNo runs to her, but no amount of face licking wakes Murdo Girl up. NoNo turns and growls at his master’s evil peeps.

Lav straightens the crown on her head.

TC: unrolls her scroll. Hear yea, Hear yea, Hear yea…Lav Yekcel is now the Next Pres of Murdo, SD, USA. Long live Queen Next Pres.

A I: runs to Murdo Girl and kneels by her side and for a brief moment, Murdo Girl’s eyes uncross. Don’t worry MG, I’ll find out who did this to you. huh? Murdo Girl’s eyes cross again and she’s out cold.

What Next!! Will Murdo Girl Wake up in time for the Corinauguralation?

What is Lav guarding in her garden?

Mrs.E loved to tell everyone she had teeth. Then she would point to a little stand in her kitchen and  say, “They’re right over there.” In four years, I never saw them in her mouth. She also had glasses she never wore. I had been coming to her house for a year or so, and one day, I saw she was wearing her glasses. When I asked her why, she told me that she was going to get her eyes checked the next week, so she thought she should wear the glasses for a few days. She seemed to be able to see okay without them, so I asked her why she needed glasses. She said, “Because I see double.” I said “So all this time that you haven’t been wearing your glasses you’ve been seeing 2 of everything?” She said, “Yes, double.” I noticed she took them off before the day was over. She informed me that she was used to going without them, so she wasn’t going to wear them anymore. As far as I can remember, I don’t think she ever went back to the eye doctor.

She told me she didn’t like to put her false teeth in, because she always bit her tongue. The problem was not her chewing. She could eat almost anything. I just had to learn to understand “Mrs. E speak.” I hadn’t quite figured it all out when one day, she asked me to bake her a strawberry cake. It was her favorite. I made a layer cake, and had a difficult time getting the two cakes to come out of the pans.She didn’t have any nonstick spray, so I used oil and a little flour. Some of the cake still stuck to the pans.

Several days later we were making a grocery list and she said to write down Pam. Sometimes I ran by the store on the way to her house and picked up breakfast items she needed, but her daughter did most of the shopping. As it happened, we both bought Pam. The next day, her daughter stopped by on her way to work and as we were talking, Mrs. E wheeled over and was staring into the refrigerator. She said, “I wish somebody would get me some Pam.” Her daughter and I both said, “What do you mean? You’ve got 2 cans on the counter.”Mrs. E. looked at the cans and said, “Well, I don’t even know what that is.” We finally figured out she wanted Spam, and she wanted the kind with hot peppers in it. I wish I had a dollar for every fried Spam, egg, and cheese sandwich with mayo I made for her. She could eat spicy foods that would’ve made smoke come out my ears and I would have had to eat Tums for a week. She thought I was a weeny and told me hot stuff made ya strong!

She also loved cheeseburgers, and like me, she would rather have a good fast food cheeseburger and fries than what you make at home. She wanted everything on it plus jalapeño peppers. I only worked from 8-12 in the mornings, but that was fine. She ate them for breakfast. I had to go to Whataburger, because that was the only place that served them at 7:30 in the morning. Whataburger makes a good burger anyway.

One Friday morning I decided to surprise Mrs. E with a burger and fries. When I got to her house, it didn’t take me long to figure out, it was going to be one of her cantankerous days. When she heard me come in, she hollered from her bed, “Don’t you even talk to me about a bath today, because I’m not taking one! I might not even get dressed!” I hollered back. “Okay, Mrs. E, but if you change your mind, there’s a Whataburger and fries out here for you.”

Pretty soon, I could hear her mumbling around in there. I knew I had two things going for me. She wanted that cheeseburger, and she did not like to stay in bed. She also knew that I would give the burger to her even if she refused a bath. I coerced her sometimes, but I never bribed her. There’s a subtle difference. Finally, she yelled, “I guess I’ll get up!” I went in there and proceeded to help her get into her chair. She could do it on her own, but it was easier for her if I helped. I didn’t say anything about the bath. She begrudgingly said, “Well, I guess I’ll eat that cheeseburger before I take my bath.”

She was beyond stubborn, but she was nobody’s fool either. I will say this. She was a woman of her word. She sometimes regretted it something awful, but if she made a deal with you, she always kept her promise. As a negotiator, she usually had me beat six ways from Sunday, and she loved it.

She had good hearing, but if you weren’t around her a lot, she was hard to understand sometimes. This was especially the case on the phone. She occasionally asked me questions about my old man. That’s what she called anyone’s husband. One morning we were going through our routine, and I said, “If we’re going to sit out on the porch, we’d better hurry. It might rain.” Mrs. E said, “Oh yeah, that’s what your old man said.” I didn’t pay much attention, and pretty soon she said, “He’s got a real nice voice.” I said, “Who does?” She said, “Your old man. I called him when you were driving over here.” I had taped my number by her phone, and she had decided to give Kip a call. Every couple of weeks, she would call him and ask for me knowing full well I was driving to her house. If he was home, they would chat for a bit while she waited for me to get to her house. She always told me about their nice talk.

Mrs. E. Had one of those lifeline pendants, and she wasn’t afraid to use it. She liked to sit out on her front porch and watch the hummingbirds come to the feeder. I sat in a little folding lawn chair and she of course  was in her wheel chair. When we came in, I folded up my chair and stuck it behind the door. One day, I got to her house and she said, “I had to push my button last night.” (She wasn’t looking at me, so I knew whatever she was about to tell me wasn’t going to be good.) Apparently, she had been looking out her door and when she got turned around the door swung shut and the chair fell down. In the process of leaning over to set it back up against the wall, the chair somehow got caught in the wheel of her chair. She said she drug that lawn chair all over the house and it wouldn’t come off.

Mrs. E’s daughter and her husband lived just across the street, but they had gone to Church. Rather than wait just a few minutes for them to return, Mrs. E decided to push her button and get someone over there to get her unhooked. Her daughter told me when they got home, the paramedics, a firetruck, a neighbor and a grandson, were at her Mother’s house. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but she had just gotten in trouble the week before for pushing her button for a non emergency. I’ll save that story for later, because it’s a doozie.

What a character. I think God brought the two of us together, because he figured I had gained some knowledge and experience growing up with a Mom who in temperament, was Mrs. E ” like.” Just maybe, I could hold my own…well maybe some of the time anyway.