Here we go! The runway is complete, and the dressing rooms are fit for queens. Pearl made sure of that. Everybody is helping out. It does seem a little strange that after Hilda’s brilliant compilation of information that resulted in the decision to start the Pearl’s Fashion House/ Runway/ Farm business; she mostly goes around singing happy birthday. Oh well, to each there own.

********************************************************

Pearl: I’m so excited. I can’t wait to walk down the runway modeling my own fashion statement and then describe the designs each of our models is wearing.

Grace: Where are we going to get the designer clothes and the models, Pearl? Has anybody thought of that? I have no idea where a person would even start to look. I saw some ladies at the Dollar General that looked pretty nice. I believe they had hats on, too. When is Queen E. supposed to get here?

Pearl: Grace…Have you ever heard the fortuitous words spoken by some guy who wanted a baseball field on his farm? He said, “Build it and they will come.” We just have to put our heads together and make it happen.

Essie/Ellie: Well, so far, I’ve been able to get a chicken and a donkey. Is a donkey considered a farm animal? There’s a guy down the street that’s considering giving us an ant farm. He said it’s a good one. I got some hay, too, but I don’t think chickens and ants eat hay.

We don’t eat hay either…Is that a skunk in there?

Pearl: Where’s Hsomething, Essie? I haven’t heard her singing in a while.

Essie/Ellie: She said she has a lead on some designer clothes, but no models want to come to a runway in a barn on a farm with no people to watch the show.

Oh PU-LEEZ The bingo girls are back for the fashion show

“Do you think I would look good in that red one?”

“We’re twinsies, Pearl!”

lll

 

It appears we have come full circle. The bingo idea turned out to be a bingo bust. The savvy bingo players weren’t very forgiving and after receiving cheaper than dirt prizes at Pearl’s place, they left. No one was too hopeful they would be back.

**************************************************

Pearl: I refuse to let this temporary set-back get me down. I’ve got a HUGE barn and there has to be some way I can turn it into a money making investment. Now…Who has a good idea?

Grace: Well, everyone seemed to enjoy my baked goods. I forgot to push the hot dogs, so we have a freezer full of those. I’m sure they’ll keep until the fourth of July. Hot dogs and the fourth of July are just like America and Apple Pie. Only it’s different.

Pearl: Close your pie-hole, Grace…Sorry, please close your pie hole. Does anyone else have any clever ideas?

Pearl the dog and Mouse have gone into the living room to watch Lassie.

Ellie/Essie: We could make a skating rink out of it. Do you know how to skate, Pearl?

Pearl: Hsomething… You don’t say much do you?

Isn’t there an idea or two rolling around that pretty head of yours?

Hilda: (The name Pearl can’t remember)…Can I speak truth to power, Pearl?

Pearl: Are you asking me?

Hilda: I’m glad you asked. I have done some feasibility studies on your barn. Allow me to show you my analysis. It considers the relevant factors, including economic, technical, and legal, etc. I have converted them all to generalized flow charts. I used these to ascertain if a business will succeed or fail.

Pearl: I can’t wait to see what you ascertained, Hsomething.

Hilda: The business most likely to succeed in your barn conversion, is (drum roll, please) Pearl’s Fashion House/ Runway/farm.

Pearl: Far be it from me to question an analysis based on relevant factors converted to generalized flow charts. What do we do first, Hsomething?

Hilda: We need to get all of those bingo tables out, put a runway in for the runway models, find a fashion icon that wants to have a show here, advertise, and get some farm animals, like goats, chickens, cows, and sheep.

Pearl: I like to delegate. Essie, you find us some farm animals and some hay. Farm animals like hay.

Grace… call Queen E. and tell her we need her to come across the pond ASAP. Maybe she can get those two crazy pilots to bring her…and tell her to bring a lot of hats, and maybe a few crowns.

Grace: Land sakes! this is going to be a lot more fun than Bingo. I never did really catch on to that game. I like Clue and Rummy. Remember that time we popped popcorn and played games because there wasn’t anything good on TV?…

Pearl: Does anyone have any questions? Never mind. Don’t answer that. Let’s all meet out at Pearl’s Fashion house/ Runway/Farm in about two hours…and wear something nice.

Mouse: Well, the farm animals could be interesting. What do you think, Pearl the dog?

Pearl the Dog: I just hope Queen E. doesn’t bring those Corgis. We have enough dogs around here.

Since Pearl obviously wants to be the leader of the pack, she’s taking on the responsibility of assigning everyone their duties. Someone has to call the bingo balls, someone else has to sell cards, which could be a difficult thing to keep up with. There is a small charge to get in, and people can buy hot dogs and drinks.

*****************************************************

“I guess it’s a unanimous decision not to allow smoking except for air cigarettes, “Pearl said. “Too bad I can’t charge for the air. Oh, well. You can’t make money on everything.”

“What are my duties going to be, Pearl? Can I sell hot dogs and drinks. Maybe I can make some of my special chocolate cake, too. I just love parties, any kind of parties…well except for Tupperware parties. I don’t have the room for anymore Tupperware.”

“That sounds good to me. Hsomething, would you like to call out the numbers? People are less likely to give you a hard time if two of them happen to call Bingo at the same time. I hear they cheat.

Essie, would you sell and verify the cards? You’ve gotta be quick and you’re quick.”

“What duty are you going to be responsible for, Pearl?” Grace was suspicious.

“I’m going to be the hostess,” she said. “I’ll wear my chic outfits and walk around chatting it up with people and making them feel comfortable and relaxed…Oh, and at the end of the evening, I’ll count all of the money.”

“I’m supposed to be the chic one, Hsomething. Would you mind taking your bingo balls and standing over there?

The pictures above were taken one hour into the first night. The entrepreneurs had no idea just how seriously bingo players took their bingo.

One and one half hours into the night!

“BINGO!! WHAT’S MY PRIZE?”

“HEY! I CALLED IT FIRST. DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME?”

“NO WAY, GIRL. YOU GOT A NICE BOTTLE OF BUBBLE BATH. ALL I GOT WAS A DRIED UP FRUIT CAKE! ”

“WHERE IS THAT LA TI DA LADY THAT WAS WALKING AROUND. THIS IS ON HER!”

“I GOT A TORN CARD. THAT’S GOT TO BE BAD LUCK.”

“What does she mean by that, Mouse? Where did you get that tire?”

“I found it in the back of this truck. It’s going to be a long night, Pearl the dog. I might have to roll this home.”

“That doesn’t make sense, Mouse. If you want to, you can get inside my camper topper with me. I don’t bite.”

Help me get out of here, Mouse. Those people are crazy. There’s only one thing I can do to save our business, Mouse. I’m going to have to make another elixer. I’ll call this one Elixer Spritzer.

Uh Oh…looks like we’re treading into dangerous waters again..Pearl the human is bored. That’s usually when she gets herself and everyone around her into some sort of awkward situation. I’m almost afraid to go on. I said almost.

*******************

“Grace, you know how bored I’ve been. Life has no meaning. I need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Something that makes me feel like I’m contributing to society.”

“Well Pearl, we’ve done five or six different things to give you a reason to get up in the morning and feel like you’re contributing to society. We almost got run out of town with that last one. My ‘Dear Grace’ advice column struck a few people too close to home and your Elixerfixer sold a little too well, and boy did they get mad when we ran out.

“I know, I know, Grace, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’m pretty sure I’ve hit on something this town needs…a bingo hall! Just the thought of having our own bingo business makes my old juices flow. What do ya think, Grace?”

“I can’t imagine imagine anything more exciting than seeing the look of joy on someone’s face when they hear, ’15 under I…I-15,’ and they realize they have a row with those little dabbers on every number and they can holler, BINGO! ”

“They’re called dobbers, Grace, not dabbers. Okay then, do you have any ideas as to where we can rent a building big enough to be a bingo hall?”

“Hmmm. I know! What about that old barn on the edge of town? The only thing is, it might not have a bathroom.”

“let’s fire up the Jeep and go check it out, Grace.”

“Can you believe our luck, Grace? That old barn even has a little kitchen and a bathroom in it. All we need to do is sweep out a little hay and we’re good to go. I might even conjure up a refreshment that has a little Elixerfixer in it. We’ll have to think of another name.”

“I can’t wait to get it opened, Grace. Do you think Hsomething and Essie will help us?”

The new Essie/Ellie

It’s been a week now since Ellie and her mother, Hilda, moved in with Grace and Pearl. Ellie loves the new arrangement. She doesn’t have to go back and forth between her house and the rooms above Sanderson’s Store, anymore.

There seems to be one rub, however. Pearl has some misgivings about Hilda…

*****************

“You know, Grace, we didn’t think about the fact that we have never laid eyes on Hsomething before. We didn’t even know her name.”

“You still don’t know her name, Pearl… of course you never have retained names. Why do you suppose that is, Pearl? You might have a missing chromosome. I’ve heard about people missing a chromosome. It usually pertains to serial killers, though.”

“Yes, Grace…I’m a regular Jack the Ripper. I think I hear her coming. Have you started supper yet? I’m about to starve to death.”

“I’ll start cooking as soon as Ellie gets back from the store. I’m making my special meatloaf.”

The door opens and Hilda walks in. She is holding a sack full of groceries.

“I hope everyone here likes fried chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy and corn. I’m going to treat you to the best supper you’ve ever eaten.”

“We can hardly wait. Can we, Grace? Are you okay, Grace? You look like you need one of my air cigarettes.”

“Hi Pearl, hi Grace, I’m home. Mom are you home, too?” I got your groceries, Grace. I’m really hungry. I can’t wait to eat your meatloaf.

Mom? Is that you, cooking? You can’t cook, remember? Someone stop her. She’s libel to burn the house down.”

“Now Ellie…settle down. I got us each a Swanson TV dinner. They’re the best I’ve ever eaten.”

After supper, everyone crowded into the small living room to watch Lawrence Welk.

“You should make those TV dinners sometimes, Grace,” says Pearl. “I thought they were delicious. I think we should buy TV trays, too. We can eat TV dinners on TV trays and watch TV. What other kinds do they have, Hsomething?”

” Well, Pearl, they have roast beef that’s delish, but I like turkey and dressing the best.”

“Mom cooks them good, too. She also makes a mean chicken pot pie. She let’s me make Top Ramen Noodles, sometimes. We usually have oreos for dessert.”

“Now Ellie, you’re making me blush.”

Later that night…

“GRACE! WAKE UP!”

“What is it. Pearl?”

“I need a meatloaf sandwich and is there any of your cherry pie left? That TV food doesn’t stick to your ribs.”

When Pearl and Grace get to the kitchen, they find Essie/Ellie there, too….so are Pearl the dog and Mouse. Grace is smiling ear to ear.

“Meatloaf sandwiches and cherry pie…coming right up!”

“I really don’t like mice,” says Mouse. “I was just getting sick of TV dinners.”

“I get it,” says Pearl the dog. “Can we eat that pink thing for dessert?”

“And I was just beginning to like you,” says Mouse.

Well, it’s all set! Essie/Ellie, her mother, Hilda, and their dog, Mouse are moving into the rooms above Sanderson’s Store. Except for the cat room, which is used for storage, that pretty much fills up the place. Hilda cleans rooms at a local motel in the mornings and also helps out part-time at Mack’s Cafe across the street. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out.

*********************

“Now what did you say your mother’s name is, Essie?” (Pearl has never heard a name she can’t forget, which is why she named her dog Pearl.)

“My mom’s name is Hilda. She’ll be here when she’s finished cleaning rooms at the motel. Are you going to give Mom a long list of chores like you did me, Pearl?”

“Heaven’s no! That woman, uh, Hsomething, works hard enough. I’m thinking the more people we have walking up and down those stairs, the easier it will be to let Pearl the dog and Varmint in and out.”

“His name is Mouse. Is your yoga instructor coming this morning, Pearl?”

“Land Sakes, look at the time. Will you help me struggle into my leotard, Essie? That’s a pretty good workout right there!”

The instructor, “You’re never too old to rock and roll.”

“Pearl, Grace, Mom is here.”

When Hsomething arrives at her new home above Sanderson’s Store, she meets Pearl and Grace for the first time. Grace speaks first.

“Welcome, Hilda…say, haven’t I seen you in a commercial on TV? I’m sure I saw you in an advertisement for Gerital. I was watching “I’ve got a secret.” Does that Gerital work? I don’t know if I’ve got iron poor blood. Does it come in a cream? I like creams.

“What kind of a name is Mouse?”

“What kind of a name is Pearl the dog?”

We find ourselves back in the quaint and sort of welcoming berg where two of our favorite heroines reside. Yes…unable to cut themselves loose, due to lack of a ride, due to lack of a driver’s license, they were a snap to locate…in fact, we weren’t even trying to locate them. So here we go…be prepared to feel all of the air being sucked out of the room.

“Grace, can you hear me? We need to find another place to live. We’re getting too old to drag ourselves up and down all those stairs. That’s how old ladies break their hips, you know…falling down stairs.”

“Yes, Pearl, and there’s nothing worse than a broken hip…unless you count one of those terrible rashes that you can’t get rid of. I hear you can get a real good cream, now. You have to order it by mail. I believe I saw a commercial when I was watching the Andy Griffith show. You know, I don’t know if I like him or Jackie Gleason the best. Who do you like the best. Pearl?”

“What are you talking about, Grace? For Pete’s sake you can run on. I think I hear Pearl the dog wanting in. Where do you suppose Essie is?”

“She’s probably almost here, but she’s not here yet, Pearl. Let’s wait a few minutes before we climb down all those stairs. Pearl the dog will be all right. My knee has been acting up. Say, I saw a cream that might help with my knee pain. I believe I was watching I love Lucy when I saw it advertised. Yes, Lucy herself was doing the commercial. That must mean it works. Lucy wouldn’t do a commercial on something that doesn’t work. She’s kind of young to have knee pain, though, and I’ve always wondered if that Vitameatavegamin Elixir she likes really works. What do you think, Pearl?”

“I think I wish I had some right now, Grace. You have given me a massive sick headache.”

“I have a cream that you rub right into your head, Pearl. I saw the commercial on McHale’s Navy and I ordered some. I’ll go and get it.”

“Yes Grace, you do that, and take you’re time. I hear Essie and Pearl the dog coming up the stairs.”

“Hello Pearl, hello Grace. I’m here! Are you here?”

“Give Pearl the dog her bone and then come in here, Essie or is it Ellie? I can never remember.”

“It’s Ellie. Do you need anything from the kitchen?”

“No thank you, dear. I just had one of my flashes of brilliance. I want you and your mother to move in here with Grace and me. There are more rooms down the hall. We need more help and if we rented a smaller house, there would be no getting away from Grace. Do you think your mother would like to live in the rooms above Sanderson’s Store?”

“I think Mom would like that, Pearl. Can we bring our dog with us? His name is Mouse. He likes to find mice.”

“Oh My…I need an air cigarette!”